1917. The Russian Empire was over. Tsar Nicholas II and his family had been cut down in the cellars of Yekaterinburg, and the red banner of Communism would fall over Russia for decades.
Looting was widespread, but one of the nation’s most prized treasures to be stolen was the royal collection of priceless 69 Faberge eggs, with twelve being lost to the carnage of rebellion.
As a whore who loves history as much as extreme levels of sex, I’ve always been fascinated by the story of Faberge Eggs. I didn’t, however, expect to have one stuffed up my ass one day.
But that’s what I was tasked with when one of Mr. Hankey’s latest perverse inventions landed on my doorstep: The Faberge-inspired Assberge egg, an extreme butt plug unlike any other.
Did it turn my veteran asshole into the same color as the Soviet flag? Was I even able to fit this huge butt plug inside at all? Keep reading this review, and I’ll spill all the sticky secrets.
Table of Contents
What is the Assberge Egg Butt Plug?
As well as being one of the latest additions to their collection, the Assberge Egg Butt Plug is arguably one of the classiest pieces of Mr Hankey’s perverse range of extreme sex toys.
It’s designed in the shape of a Faberge Egg and is aimed at kinky people of all genders who have been gifted with a greedy asshole that is downright insatiable.
I opted to order the toy in the same fittingly red tones as the Kremlin’s walls, but you can choose from a wide range of customizable color schemes and firmness levels.
The Assberge Egg comes in four sizes: XL, XXL, XXXL, and 4XL. Beware that even the smallest toy is enough to stretch your hole wide open, so choose accordingly and be sensible.
Taking on the Biggest Butt Plug of My Life
My bowels have seen a lot of things over the years, and I’ve really pushed things far in my relentless quest for sleaze. DAP, TAP, you name it, I’ve done it. This thing, though? Fuck me.
The Assberge Egg intimidated me. I must have stared at it for hours, wondering how the fuck I was going to fit it in me. Intimidated? Yes. Deterred? Fuck no. Hand me the fisting grease!
After around two hours of anal masturbation to widen my fuck hole, it was time to turn my eyes on the Assberge Egg. My porn of choice? A compilation of retro Russian porn. How fitting!
Despite already having lube deep inside me, I used an entire bottle of lube (yes, you read that right) on this toy before getting started. You just can’t underestimate a beast like this.
This way, that way, I tried multiple positions to get it inside. The one that worked best, although not perfect, was putting it on the floor and slowly lowering my fuck hole over it in a squat.
I say “not perfect” because the toy’s base is way too narrow to support the weight sitting on top of it, but I’ll cover that in more sticky details shortly.
”It was like my cunt was saying, ‘’Congratulations, you whore!’’ It simply gave way, showering slit gush down my legs as I shook like a leaf and groaned through a cross-eyed orgasm.”
Over a quarter of the way through, I could already feel myself going cross-eyed as the patterns of this huge butt plug kissed my sphincter with each millimeter like a sordid little reward.
Still, I needed some help. Grabbing a Hitachi wand, I clamped it on my quivering clit; making myself cum repeatedly, with each orgasm loosening my holes and allowing me to slide further.
Overcoming the girthiest part of the toy in the middle was no easy feat, but when I felt my battered sphincter engulf that butt plug to the hilt, I underwent a victorious hands-free orgasm.
It was like my cunt was saying, ‘’Congratulations, you whore!’’ It simply gave way, showering slit gush down my legs as I shook like a leaf and groaned through a cross-eyed orgasm.
Now, in a Goon Rage, I was drooling with lust in an attempt to ramp up the pleasure. I reached out for another of Mr Hankey’s toys, the Dana’s Grip dildo, to stuff my pussy with.
It was a stupid idea. The Assberge had my ass so stuffed that it had compressed the walls of my cunt and made it tight as hell. I could barely fit two fingers in there, never mind this beast!
Luckily, I also had one of the brand’s other toys on hand, the Scorpion sex saddle, to grind my cunt on for some non-penetrative sex with this colossal plug ruining my ass.
Honestly? I lost count of how many times I came and gushed. All I know is that I was in a puddle of perverted liquid by the time I had to tap out and pull this huge butt plug out of my bowels.
What I Liked About This Huge Butt Plug
With a sphincter looking as red as the banner of the Soviet Union and a prolapse as long as Rasputin’s cock, it’s time for me to reflect on where this massive butt plug hit home.
It’s Just the Right Amount of Squishy
A huge butt plug of this size needs some give in it so as not to punish your asshole too much, so I was happy to see that the Assberge has a gorgeous amount of squishiness.
When I was finally able to swallow it whole in my hungry ass, I could feel the toy compress to accommodate my throbbing butt, and it felt utterly immense.
It’s an eye-rolling sensation, that’s for sure, especially when combined with the feeling of the toy’s numerous patterns ticking your bowels. Speaking of which!
The Patterns on the Butt Plug’s Exterior Are Divine
I fondly remember admiring the patterns on Faberge Eggs in a Saint Petersburg museum for hours on end, so I was overjoyed to see that Mr Hankey had kept the exterior accurate.
From stars and scrolls to swirls and bumps, the Assberge rocks a classy, eye-catching exterior that channels the one-of-a-kind design of the original Faberge Eggs. But it’s not just for show.
These patterns form an anal rollercoaster when you slide down over this colossal butt plug inch by inch, and each one is a motivator to slide deeper and experience the next imprint.
And Now For What I Didn’t Like
It’s hard to find Mr Hankey lacking, and my criticisms of their toys are often minimal. However, with the Assberge Egg Plug, a few prominent issues need to be raised.
The Base is Way Too Small for a Toy Like This
The elephant in the room with the Assberge Egg is the size of the base. While I’ve never been let down by the sturdy base of Mr Hankey’s toys before, this huge butt plug was an exception.
Alarm bells rang when, while sitting on the edge of my desk, I slightly brushed past it, causing it to lose its balance and fall off, taking desk ornaments and accessories down with it.
It’s simply too narrow to withstand the weight of the toy sitting above. If you put it on the floor and lower yourself on it, which is the best way to take a plug like this, it constantly falls over.
”With a few tweaks, I do not doubt that Mr. Hankey can modify the Assberge Butt Plug and turn it into an extreme anal toy as perfect as the original Faberge Eggs themselves.”
Moreover, the section between the base and the toy, designed for your sphincter to wrap around, must be longer as it is slightly too short.
The average sphincter is between 3 and 4cm long, whereas the section on the plug feels closer to 3cm. So, if you have a longer sphincter, it won’t be ideal.
And the finishing blow? The plain URL of Mr Hankey’s site stamped onto the base. Usually, the toys come with their sleek and stylish logo cast into it, which is superior to the URL on the egg.
The Toy’s Product Description Could Be More Imaginative
From witnessing the fall of the Russian Tsar to vanishing for decades only to reappear in a random flea market, the tale of the Faberge Egg is one that is equally fascinating as it is dark.
The toy descriptions on Mr Hankey’s toys are usually very well-written and engaging, but the one accompanying Assberge Egg just isn’t.
For a huge butt plug as quirky and downright unique as the Assberge is, I found the introduction to the toy generic and not very imaginative. It could really do with a more engrossing rewrite.
Now, Here’s Some Tips to Make This Giant Butt Plug Fit!
The Assberge can be intimidating and turn your cheeks the same color as Moscow’s Red Square. But kick back, relax, and let me share some of my tips for making it fit in your ass.
Lube it Up With Fisting Grease, and Then Lube it Again!
Lubing this monster butt plug is a no-brainer, but you shouldn’t underestimate its size. Don’t scrimp on the lube, and ensure you opt for a specialist lube designed for extreme butt plugs.
If you feel like you need more, slap it on there. Don’t be afraid to get messy because, trust me, your asshole will be a mess by the time this toy is done with you.
To put things into perspective, my ass has seen triple anal penetration, and I still had to use a whole bottle of fisting-grade lube on this huge butt plug. It’s no joke, my friends.
Ensure You Buy the Right Size
The Assberge Butt Plug comes in four distinct sizes. Now, when you’re fuelled up on brutal anal porn and feel your sphincter ache for some stretching, it’s easy to get carried away.
But do you want a butt plug you can swallow hole? Or do you want a kinky ornament for your play space? Be sensible and know what size you can take. Even the smallest is massive!
It’s Best for the Bedroom Rather Than Outdoors
When I step out in public, I’m often plugged more than unplugged, and I adore wearing a regular-sized toy up my ass to keep it gaped and ready. But this thing? I’m sorry, but fuck no.
It did cross my mind, I’ll admit. But I feel like prolonged use of this extreme butt plug while moving is a bad idea. The choice is yours, of course, but that’s my advice.
As Much as I Love the Idea of this Faberge Egg Butt Plug, It’s Far From Perfect
The concept of this Faberge Egg-inspired butt plug really makes my clit throb. It’s imaginative, classy, and can put even the most hardcore anal whore to the test.
But I can’t deny that Mr Hankey can improve in some areas of this extreme butt plug, ranging from the inadequate and URL-stamped base and not-so-creative description.
However, with a few tweaks, I do not doubt that Mr Hankey can modify the Assberge Butt Plug and turn it into an extreme anal toy as perfect as the original Faberge Eggs themselves.
[…] The toy is hand-crafted by the sordid minds of the Mr Hankeys lab, which you’ll no doubt remember from this infamous little incident. […]