When I’ve been in the grip of a Goon session for 24 hours straight and am forced to tap out, I lay there in a puddle of my own juices and grunt the same mantra: ‘’Porn is art, porn is life.’’
But if you were to get elbow-deep in my sticky collection of sex toys, you’d struggle to find much that would constitute art. Instead, you’d find an armory of semi-aesthetic but high-tech gadgets.
I’m forever grateful for the plethora of climax-inducing gadgets I’ve been able to buy over the years, but my craving for a sex toy that visually stimulates my eyes as much as it does my cunt is growing.
”My knees buckled, I squealed like a pig, and my pussy prolapsed with a sordid pink rose. The sound of the squirt spraying from my gaping gash sounded like meat being thrown on a hot grill.”
‘’Here, take this, Catherine,’’ said Mr. Hankey, a craftsman of unique sex toys that range from hyper-realistic dildos to extreme sex toys that tap into some of our most perverse fantasies, as he handed me the notorious Dana’s Grip dildo that I’d heard some debauched rumors about.
‘’Actually, no.’’ He said, taking a look at my exposed, dripping cunt and sensing its relentless hunger for the perverse, ‘’You’d better take two more. I think that slit can handle it.’’
Was he right? It’s time to find out as I kick off the first of three reviews of Mr Hankey’s toys. My darlings, my notorious cunt might have met its match here.
Table of Contents
What is Dana’s Grip?
Now, I’ve seen a lot of dildos in my time, but few have made me stop in my tracks as much as Dana’s Grip did. But my intrigue grew deeper when I found out who had inspired the toy.
This Mr Hankey dildo is utterly unique and was inspired by the professional anal acrobat who adores covering her pleaser heels in squirt, lube, and anal slime, ArgenDana. She’s divine!
Dana is a woman who adores being fisted and pumped by some of the most extreme dildos known to man, and Dana’s Fist combines the sensation of both for extreme masturbators.
The design features a hyper-realistic cock being tightly gripped by two powerful hands. It’ll send thunderbolts to the lustful souls of those who adore extreme fisting, anal, and pussy penetration.
A Double-Fisted Dildo Versus the C*nt of Whoreuro
‘’I just can’t wait to see this!’’ My Gooner friend Karl said as he walked through the door of my apartment, ‘’Do you really think you can bottom out on this thing?
I’d invited him round to help me review this dildo and take notes, as I tend to lose my mind when taking on such hole-destroying sex toys, and they make my Goonette brain go pop!
As I slathered the toy in copious amounts of fisting lube, Karl set up two monitors to play a dual marathon of both fisting and monster dildo penetration porn. Fitting!
Even though I warmed up my holes before deploying Dana’s Grip, it still wasn’t a toy that I could dive head-first into. In fact, it took forty-five minutes for me to breach the first fist.
Fuelled by the filth on the two monitors and the sight of Karl pumping his fuck meat to the sight in front of him, I gradually conquered the perverted territory of this toy section by section.
‘’I adore how it pulls itself into your fuck hole when you get the head in and does its own thing through the power of suction alone. It’s almost like the toy is saying, ‘’You asked for this, cunt!’’
With each sordid victory, I rewarded myself with brutal thrusting to push the toy deeper and harass the walls of my cunt with orgasm-inducing gapes. I lost count of the squirts and gushes.
Every vein, finger, knuckle, and wrist I slid past felt like a victorious conquest that sent lightning bolts to my burning clit. But the greatest victory was still to come.
‘’Do it!’’ Karl said while looking me dead in the eye as I was inches from the toy’s gigantic ball sack base, ‘’You’re almost there! Are you the Queen of Whores or not?’’
Lifting up a few inches, I slammed my gushing slit down until the hyperrealistic balls connected with my clit. The gurgling sound within my pussy began drowning out the porn on the screens.
It was a sound I’d heard before but not often. My cunt was aching for a squirting release, but the toy had me stuffed so airtight that it had nowhere to go. It was time.
Pulling myself off Dana’s Grip in one swift movement, the rapid sensations of the toy’s numerous bumps and curves accelerated the orgasm, as did my ferocious clitoral masturbation.
My knees buckled, I squealed like a pig, and my pussy prolapsed with a sordid pink rose. The sound of the squirt spraying from my gaping gash sounded like meat being thrown on a hot grill.
‘’Hnnnngggg!’’ I grunted while writhing around in a puddle of lube, drool, and slit gush. I bucked and squirmed while the Mr Hanky Dildo remained firm and upright like a soldier who’d just completed a dangerous mission.
Through my flickering eyelids, I spotted my Gooner accomplice, Karl, smirking at the sight of my ruined bucket cunt and my writhing body that was held firmly in a post-orgasm grip.
‘’Some… Something funny, sweetheart?’’ I stammered, causing the smile to drain from his face, ‘’Get the strap-on harness out of the box; let’s see if you can handle this toy any better! Either that or you can lick these sordid little puddles up off my bedroom floor. What do you choose?’’
Karl opted for the former, but, being the sadistic little whore I am, I ensured he did both by the time I’d stretched his asshole out. When will these Gooners ever learn?
What I Liked About This Hole-Wrecking Dildo
From the aesthetics to the gut-punching power of Dana’s Grip, there’s a lot to like about this extreme dildo that turned my pussy into something looking like Karate chopped hummus!
It Burrows in and Finds its Way to Your Pleasure Buttons
Dana’s Grip might look intimidating as fuck, but once the head of the cock bursts in with a satisfying pop, you’ll find that the rest of the toy’s length can be conquered with patience.
I adore how it pulls itself into your fuck hole when you get the head in and does its own thing through the power of suction alone. It’s almost like the toy is saying, ‘’You asked for this, cunt!’’
When it’s in your cunt, it can find its way deep inside and conforms gorgeously, and the ridges and bumps of those fists ensure your G-spot isn’t getting away.
The same can be said when you horny guys and sissies are using it in your assholes. As Karl will attest, Dana’s Grip didn’t take long to find his prostate and give him a hands-free orgasm.
Good Things Come to Those Who Wait
As anyone who has heard me begging them to cum inside of me knows, I can be an impatient little whore! Waiting for a Mr Hankey toy, however, is not an issue.
You see, this company doesn’t dish out generic, mass-produced dildos like any old sex toy firm. Instead, each dildo is custom-made according to your wishes and is then produced on demand.
And that’s what sets Mr Hankey out from the rest. From the size and firmness to the color and added special effects, you can customize Dana’s Grip to fit your own perverted desires.
When Not In Use, It’s a Prime Ornament For a Goon Cave!
Most sex toys, when they’re not balls-deep in your fuck holes or wrapped around your Goon Stick, tend to be locked away in a dark box, only to see the light of day when the mood strikes.
But if you intend to do that with the Dana’s Grip from Mr Hankey, you should be ashamed. This toy deserves a prime place in your Goon Cave/playroom and makes for a divine ornament.
I’ve put it on a shelf above my computer monitor, and it’s the perfect thing to look at for a burst of inspiration while I write. However, the burning temptation to get it down and mount it is real!
The Downside of This Extreme Sex Toy
I always keep it real in my reviews, and even a toy as divine as Dana’s Grip has its downsides. The toy has a flat base, although you can add a Vac-U-Lock hole when customizing it.
But the Vac-U-Lock alone is only good if you have a sex machine. If you love slapping your extreme dildos to the ground and riding them, as I do, you need a suction cup.
Mr Hankey has its own suction cup accessory designed to withstand the weight of its extreme dildos, but it must be bought separately and costs $29.95.
I’d like to see the suction cup come as standard with a toy like Dana’s Grip, and the toy price should be adjusted higher accordingly.
My Advice For Those Looking to Buy the Dana’s Grip Dildo
If you’re eager to add Dana’s Grip to your collection but are rattled with apprehension about where to even begin, let Mommy Catherine nurse you between her tits and share some tips.
Don’t Let Your Lust Get the Better of You; Be Sensible
Mr Hankey is not fucking around. When they say extreme, they mean extreme. Sure, investing in the largest option on the customization menu can be tempting, but be sensible.
It’s easy to get carried away when you’re thinking with your slit or fuck stick, but understand the dimensions of each toy’s size and ensure you can take it. Otherwise, it’ll just be an ornament.
Get the Suction Cup
While I wish it came as standard, the Dana’s Grip experience is made so much more dynamic when you can attach the dildo to the ground and ride it, so I’d suggest adding the suction cup.
Is It Worth Adding to Your Extreme Dildo Arsenal?
Dana’s Grip came from the perverted mind of one of the most notorious extreme anal queens the world has ever seen, and it’s naturally not a toy for nervous newbies.
However, if you’re even browsing Mr Hankey’s dildos, to begin with, I’ll assume you’ve turned your fuck holes into elite-tier bastions of perversion capable of handling Dana’s Grip.
If you can handle it, this is a fierce dildo that can find its way inside your lustful body, and once it gets a grip of you, it won’t let go until you’re thrust into the deepest levels of eros imaginable.
Dana’s Grip isn’t just a dildo; it’s a work of porn art. It’s a high-end sex toy that can be customized to fit your own unique tastes, and it will remain a talking point and cumming point of my extreme sex toy collection for many years to come.
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