Ever since man discovered that he could ride horses, he’s also wondered what it would be like to ride horses.
While this is an exercise in aimless mental debauchery for many, some perverts actually go the whole hog and saddle up with man’s second best friend.
While we vehemently do not recommend this because it’s just outright wrong, you can do the next best thing: buy yourself some realistic horse cock dildos!
”It may look like a Bubonic Plague victim fucked an art supply store, but that doesn’t make it any less titillating to stick in the holiest of holes. This is one unicorn dick that does exist, and it’s pushing up against your cervix by way of proof.”
Yep, the market is flooded with huge pieces of medical-grade silicone shaped like a Mustang’s cock, and they can easily turn your pussy or asshole into a one-horse town.
Luckily, we’ve got just the thing for you. Ranch hands and cowgirls, allow us to introduce you to the very finest synthetic pony pricks currently on the market.
Now, grab some of your favorite lube (lots of it) and saddle the fuck up! And, as a little treat, you can get 15% off any of the horse dildos in this article when you use the code CATHERINEDUFFY on DildoHub’s website. Yee haw!
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The Mustang is One Huge Horse Cock Toy!
We’re coming straight outta the gate here with a contender for the meatiest, girthiest, ungulate uterus-usurper this side of Mr. Ed.
It’s big, it’s beefy, and it’s guaranteed to have you bucking like a wild stallion the second you put it in. Accept no imitations: this is the Mustang Horse Dildo.
You know you’re in for some shit when the small size starts at 8 inches. It only gets better from there, with a total of five sizes that go all the way up to a monstrous 20 inches.
This bad boy is also handcrafted, meaning that the sculptor really, really looked at some horse’s dick before getting to work.
The end result with this horse dick dildo is one of the most realistic lengths of Mustang meat you’ll ever see in your life.
The 16-Inch XL Mustang Stallion Dildo Can Cum In You!
This girthsome giant’s claim that it’s the largest horse dildo on the market is belied by the entry immediately above this one, but make no mistake – this is 16 inches of ecstatic equine excellence that will fuck you so deep you’ll feel it on your diaphragm.
What it lacks in sheer redundant length, the 16-inch XL more than makes up for with its exquisite dildo sculpting.
With a wide glans, preputial ring, and realistic texturing, you’ll feel every inch of the Mustang dildo as it breaks you in like you’re its bitch.
It even has an optional tube and cum container for when you absolutely positively need to feel a fake horse dick dildo shoot ropes of spunk into you.
Take it from me; this horse cock dildo can deliver a fucking so thorough you won’t shit right for a week.
The Appaloosa is 13-Inches of Pure Horsecock Dildo
The Appaloosa is an American horse breed best known for having a spotted coat, a brisk turn of speed, and a massive fucking dong.
It is this last quality that the 13-inch Appaloosa best embodies, with – as the name suggests – a veiny 13 inches of superior stallion schlong just waiting to perforate your colon/cervix/soft palate.
The product description gets a bit wild and woolly, talking about the “ethereal sensuality of mane and tail” that the dildo has.
Thankfully there’s no mane and tail present because that would make fucking yourself with an ersatz equine cock a bit weird.
No – it’s just 13 majestic inches of medical-grade silicone, marvelously realized with realistic textures and a broad glans that’ll do more than tickle your fancy on the way in.
12.20 Inch Draft Horse Penis
Sometimes you’re in the mood to be fucked by a majestic steed, but you want it to be all gentle-like.
It’s not quite as rough or aggressive as one of the more hot-blooded horses, but something that’s slower, more sensual, and makes you feel like the only mare in the world.
For that, you’re not looking for an appaloosa or an Arabian; you’re looking for a gentle giant. That’s exactly where the Draft Horse cock dildo comes in.
Known in equine enthusiast circles as “cold-blooded” horses, these mild-mannered meat mountains take their time – but still have really really massive dicks. And that makes them perfect for a more Netflix-and-chill approach to simulated horse cock fun.
While the Draft Horse dildo lacks the length of some of its brothers-in-horse-dicking, it makes up for it with an unusual (and titillating) shape.
It has a broad glans that gives it a certain je ne sais quoi (though we sais exactly what the quoi is, if you catch our drift) upon entry, and a mid-length knot that will ride you hard and put you away wet – but gently, like a soft-natured beast of burden.
10.4-Inch Centaur Dildo
Sometimes you don’t want to fuck something that’s all horse. You like a bit of anthropomorphism thrown into the mix, just to keep it somewhat grounded.
Thankfully, those sick fucks who came up with whatever the fuck Greek mythology is have got you covered with the most anthropomorphic of all horse creature things: the centaurs.
For those of you who don’t play Dungeons and Dragons, a centaur is a beast that’s half man and half horse.
And because we, the twisted bastards of the human race, sexualize absolutely everything, we’ve given a lot of thought to what a centaur cock would look like. And that’s how we come up with things like the 10.4-inch Centaur Dildo.
Centaurs are, obviously, not real, so a bit of creative license has been taken with the Centaur Dildo. And that creativity comes to the fore in this “forged in the wild” masterpiece.
Its unique dual-textured surface – half smooth and half rough – perfectly captures the mythological duality of its subject and also is great for fudding yourself absolutely fucking stupid.
10-Inch Stabilis is the Epitome of a Unicorn Dildo
If there is anything better than stretching yourself out with a centaur cock, then it’s surely defiling yourself with the penis of that rarest of fantasy creatures – the unicorn.
Thankfully, the Stabilis is here to satisfy that exact fantasy. It may look like a Bubonic Plague victim fucked an art supply store, but that doesn’t make it any less titillating to stick in the holiest of holes. This is one unicorn dick that does exist, and it’s pushing up against your cervix by way of proof.
One of the best things about the Stabilis is the knot about two-thirds of the way down – just like real unicorn dicks – that serves to grant you an extra layer of sensation should you make it that far down.
Oh, it also has a suction pad, making it eminently possible for you to slap it on the wall of your shower cubicle and pretend you’re fucking a magic horse under a waterfall.
The Minotaur Horse Dildo
Bear with us here as we come to our third fantasy creature here – we know that minotaurs are decidedly not horses, and in fact are more anthropo-bovine than anything else.
That said, it’s literally got “horse” in the name, and who are we to argue with the creators of this fine instrument of self-debasement?
The toy is hand-crafted by the sordid minds of the Mr Hankeys lab, which you’ll no doubt remember from this infamous little incident.
The Minotaur Horse Dildo comes in four sizes, much like actual Minotaur penises. The smallest is around 10”, while the largest is closer to 15”.
But whichever length of taurine todger you opt for, you’ll still have an absolutely rollicking rogering to look forward to.
With a broad, hefty glans backed up by a broader and heftier knot mid-shaft, the Minotaur is going to put your shit to work.
The bigger the model chosen, the girthier it is too – the largest Minotaur is about the size of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s forearm.
11.5-Inch Fuckbeak Dildo
Ever heard of a Hippogriff? If you’re at that rare intersection of total nerd and dildo enthusiast, of course you have – and you’re probably slipping off your chair right now in carnal anticipation.
Yes, that’s right – those crazy dildo-sculpting bastards have done it again. They’ve made a silicone recreation of the cock of a half-griffin, half-horse monstrosity. And sister (or brother – we don’t judge): is this thing going to fuck. You. Up.
The Fuckbeak is 11.5 inches of awesome feathery horniness, with around 10 inches of that being insertable.
It looks a bit like a chunk of crumbling terrain from a Dark Souls game (google it, nerds), and – in a nice touch – has a base of feathery balls instead of pubes or, y’know, non-feathery balls.
There are a couple of knots along the shaft, too, ensuring that you’re in for a mythical time once you get this bad boy far up enough in.
On top of that, there’s a suction pad, making for some excellent hands-free Hippogriff humping. It’s just good, clean, family fun all around.
It’s also possible to get the Fuckbeak in two different levels of firmness: medium and soft. Medium pushes back a little more and is perfect for those who want a harder fuck.
Soft, meanwhile, is nice and gentle, a little like the mild-mannered pack horse we outlined way back before you knew Minotaur dicks were a thing you could inside yourself. The choice is totally yours.
Which of These Horse Cock Dildos Will You Saddle Up With?
And there we have it – a comprehensive look at the wonderful world of stallion shafts and the various ways in which you can use them to rearrange your innards.
Whether you’re interested in the gentle caress of a shire horse, the vigorous and kinetic thrusts of an appaloosa, or the untrammeled savagery of a Minotaur, there’s sure to be a way you’d like to get fucked contained amid the above dildos.
Once again, this article is mainly for fun and to open your mind to the world of fantasy dildos currently dominating the sex toy market.
Now, it’s time to pick your poison, saddle up, and prepare to get ridden hard! And remember, you can get 15% off any of the horse cock dildos mentioned above when you use the code CATHERINEDUFFY on the official DildoHub site.
Oh, and if you’re still hungry for more fantasy sex toys, then why not check out our recent guide into the world of dog dick dildos, too?
