It’s no secret that when it comes to sex, we’re a really fucked up species. We might be even more fucked up than mallards, and they fuck their dead.
Alright – we might not be quite that bad. But we still like fucking ourselves with weird things. And one of those bizarre things, ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in between, is the infamous tentacle dildo.
That’s right. I’m talking about big, thick, slithery, meaty tentacles sliding right up inside you and having their way with you.
”In a nice nod to its oceanic inspiration, the base is covered in a coral-like substance, not unlike the pubic region of genuine sea people.”
We’re not here to blame anyone in particular for this weird predilection for mollusk appendages (though if we were, it’d be Japan).
Instead, we’re here to figure out which ones feel totally awesome when you literally go and fuck yourself with them.
Oh, and a slutty little tip: all of these tentacle toys can be bought through sites like The Dildo Hub, and you get a hefty 15% off your entire order when you use the code CATHERINEDUFFY.
You’re welcome.
Table of Contents
Tentalizer Can Put 11-Inches in You
“But why the fuck would anyone want to fuck a tentacle?” you may well be asking yourself right now, dear reader. And straight off the bat, we have one of our many answers: the 11-inch Tentalizer.
The Tentalizer (a clever portmanteau of the words “tentacle” and “tantalizer”) is 11 inches of solid medical-grade silicone that has one purpose in life: to get put real deep up inside you.
Confusingly, for a tentacle, it has a set of balls, which the bemused marine biologist we spoke to assured us should not be there.
But you won’t care about whether or not questions of testicular accuracy once this bad boy gets going.
The shaft is dotted with small suckers that give the Tentalizer an assured and powerful grip on your innards, making each session with this be-suckered dildo something to remember.
11.5-Inch Tongue Tentacle Dildo
If you thought a tentacle with balls was unrealistic, wait ‘til you get a load of the 11.5-inch Tongue Tentacle Dildo.
Is it a tongue? Is it a tentacle? We don’t know, but we can tell you what it is: something that you can quite easily shove up your asshole for a close encounter of the turd kind.
While it lacks the suckers of our previous entry, the Tongue Tentacle Dildo more than makes up for it with a textured and titillating surface that promises to let you feel exactly what it’s like to get violated by an elder being of the cold and indifferent cosmos.
It also makes up for its nigh-unforgivable (but much more biologically appropriate) lack of testes by having an industrial-grade suction cup.
This makes it great for slapping on the side of a sauna and pretending you’re Lambert at the end of Alien.
Tentacle Dildo (Yes, That’s What It’s Called!)
It’s not going to win any prizes for creative naming, but the Tentacle Dildo isn’t here to win a Nobel Prize for Snappy Naming – it’s here to fuck you up. And it excels at that.
The Tentacle is unusually flexible and soft for a dildo – something that would usually be a liability in something you’re trying to get up inside your business but actually works quite well in this case.
Its prehensile nature means you can get crazy with it (one in the pink and the exact same one in the stink? You got it), and it makes it fun if you’ve got a friend in on the action, too.
Meanwhile, its textured surface – covered, naturally, in suckers – means that you’ve got a bevy of sensations going on when this bad boy slithers its way up inside you.
It’s not the most conventional dildo, but it is a unique one. And you’re not reading this list because you want conventional, you naughty fucker.
8.3-Inch Rosy is a Proper Hentai Dildo
The Rosy ain’t the biggest dildo on this list, but she might be the thiccest. This girthy beast is here to stretch you out.
And that’s exactly what she’s gonna do, with a 2-inch girth in the center that guarantees everyone a good time, and by ‘everyone’ I mean your asshole.
The Rosy, fittingly enough for a thicc tentacle dildo monstrosity, is well-suited to aquatic environments such as steam rooms, showers, and your dripping gash.
She’s also got a suction cup, making it really easy to slap her on your surface of choice and back up onto her.
Also, we’re sorry about constantly referring to her using feminine pronouns, but much like Rosy tickling your cervix, we’re in too deep and not backing out now.
The Rosy is also 100% harness compatible, meaning that if a friend wants to wield the awesome power of this girthsome monster and fuck up your back passage, it’s eminently possible.
8.1-Inch King Kraken: A Mythical Tentacle Sex Toy
The Kraken is the mythical super-squid that terrorized generations of superstitious sailors during their time gliding over the abyssal depths of the open ocean.
And now, thanks to the fine people at The Dildo Hub, it can now terrorize the abyssal depths of your asshole.
Unusually for something named after a nightmarish beast of the deeps, the Kraken is an explosion of color.
But it’s not the color you’ll be interested in after you slide this monstrosity in; rather, you’ll be far more taken with its bulbous glans, thick body, and eight-textured arms molded to said body.
That’s right – this tentacle has tentacles. It’s like Inception but with way more ocean-themed self-abuse.
10.2-Inch Merman is a Vieny Answer to Your Tentacle Sex Needs
Yet another multi-hued monstrosity based upon a mythical creature, the 10.2-inch Merman is – you won’t be surprised to learn – modeled upon the throbbing, veiny cock of the titular sea dude.
Mermen may not be real (supposedly), but this bulging behemoth of a dildo is so realistic you’d swear they were.
Its pointed, understated glans look like the tip of a shark’s nose cutting through the water, while the twisting, tortuous shaft is dotted with all manner of fun-time bulges to really accentuate the experience of sliding the Merman in.
In a nice nod to its oceanic inspiration, the base is covered in a coral-like substance, not unlike the pubic region of genuine sea people.
As is de rigeur for marine dicks, the Merman has a suction base so that you can affix it to any handy surface and engage in some hands-free shenanigans.
9.5-Inch Tenta-Cock is an Octopus Dildo From the Abyss
The 9.5-inch Tenta-Cock is about as pure as a name gets. It’s 9.5 inches long, and it’s both a tentacle and a cock at the same time. What more do you want?
The Tenta-Cock should also be admired for its purity of design. This isn’t a dildo that fucks around with extraneous features or self-indulgent overdesign – it’s a just a big fat cock. But – crucially – it’s also a tentacle.
The observant among you might notice that its name may have drawn inspiration from these two defining features, in point of fact.
As it’s based upon a tentacle, the Tenta-Cock lacks a glans. But it more than makes up for this with a tapering head that eases you into things slowly, before suckering you in with a whole bunch of, uh, suckers on the underside of the shaft.
It also has a strong suction base, which is both thematic and genuinely handy (or the opposite thereof, come to think of it).
One of the Tenta-Cock’s best features is both a nod to its abyssal inspirations and genuinely practical – it glows in the dark.
This means you can turn the lights off and pretend that a bioluminescent abyssal horror is entering your nether regions, possibly for the first time ever in human history. You can’t put a price tag on crazy shit like that.
The Kthulhu Tentacle is One of the Lovecraft-Inspired Tentacle Sex Toys
For those of you who like the Lovecraftiness to be a little more on the nose, while maintaining plausible deniability against the Lovecraft estate, look no further than the Kthulhu Tentacle.
You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll laugh again when you realize all of H.P. Lovecraft’s works are public domain, meaning they could have just spelled “Cthulhu” correctly anyway.
The Kthulhu Tentacle is some next-level weird shit, designed for people who like to put weird shit up themselves. It looks like someone decided to make a dildo out of colon cancer.
From its bulbous, growth-addled glans to the unique tentacly texture of its shaft, this is probably the weirdest thing you’ve put in your vagina/ass since that one dildo cast from an actual dog dick. Yes, friends and neighbors: shit is about to get very, very strange.
The Kthulhu is available in four different sizes, depending on how much you want your shit stretched out of shape by the uncaring digit of a galaxy-spanning elder creature.
It also sports something called a “Vac-U-Lock” system, which is apparently just a suction base with a fancy name.
Gussified appellations aside, it does what you’d want out of a suction base: keeping things locked in while you do unspeakable things to yourself. What more could you possibly ask for?
Now, Are YOU Ready To Satisfy Your Tentacle Fetish?
While there are definitely more dildos out there shaped like weird tentacle appendages, we like to think that this is the cream of the crop, the very best bits of silicone shaped to resemble mollusk pseudopods.
And I ought to know – I’m in the triple digits of hours spent putting bizarre pseudo-dicks up my slit and ass.
Considering you can get 15% off all of these toys on The Dildo Hub by using the code CATHERINEDUFFY, there’s never been a better time to be a fan of simulated tentacle sex!
Still, there are a lot of places to explore in the seemingly endless abyss of Hentai-style tentacle sex toys, and I want to hear from my fellow tentacle dildo lovers.
If you have a tentacle dildo in mind that you feel deserves a place on this list, feel free to drop the name in the comments below, and I’ll consider adding it to the guide.
Now, I can hear one of these tentacle dildos slithering in the background and calling my name. So, until next time, you kinky little fuckers!
