Over the years, my high-mileage pussy and I have become a human guinea pig for sex toy firms to unleash the full force of their latest kinky gadgets, and I’m loving every second.
Not only has this led to a squirt-drenched and prolapse-dotted arsenal of some of the world’s wildest sex toy reviews, but it’s also put me on the frontline of the world’s weirdest dildos.
But few brands do weird as well as Bad Dragon dildos do. It’s a brand that is not exactly noted for putting out run-of-the-mill sex toys – the clue is right there in the name, after all.
”Krampus the Satyr poses one simple question: “What if you were on Santa’s naughty list and had to be punished by his sexually voracious saturnine companion?” The answer, appropriately enough, is this voluptuous length of goat-man-elf penis.”
When you buy one of their award-winning lengths of silicone, you’re pretty much guaranteed a weird fucking time fucking whichever one of your holes you believe needs a fucking.
That said, not all Bad Dragon dildos are created equal, and some are even more out there than others. The purpose of this article, ladies, gentlemen, and everyone else, is to find the absolute weirdest shit the infamous sex-toy company has put out.
So, join me as we go down the rabbit hole (and up several other holes) to find the very strangest of Bad Dragon dildos that your kinky holes will fall in love with!
Table of Contents
David’s Paw
Say what you want about Bad Dragon, you can at least make the case that most of their stuff is at least vaguely phallic.
I mean, that’s the point of dildos, right? To fuck yourself with something at least sorta dick-shaped. So, allow us to introduce you to where shit gets weird: David’s Paw.
We don’t know who David is, or why he’s missing his paw, or how he feels about that, but what we do know is that his dismembered appendage makes for some freaky fucking.
It’s quite literally just a paw of the sort a dog or wolf might have, and it includes claws. How comfortable this makes it is very much a decision for the user, but remember that with enough lube, anything’s a dildo.
David’s Muzzle
OK, hear us out – this one is technically not a dildo. But it is another one of David’s disembodied body parts, and don’t you want to make use of as much of David as possible?
It’s a bit like how Native Americans honored the bison by using every part of its body but with more fucking.
David’s muzzle is exactly what it sounds like – a wolf-like muzzle that you put your dick in. It sports a furry texture, a realistic snout, and a supple and inviting mouth for all your fantasy wolf-fucking needs.
The only thing you’ll need to enjoy, David, is a can-do attitude, a bottle of lube, and possibly the same kind of psychiatric nymphomaniac diagnosis as I have.
Ovipositor
Is fucking yourself with a wolf paw (or fucking a wolf’s muzzle) not quite freaky enough for you? Do you want things to get really fucking weird?
Fret not, dear reader: Bad Dragon’s always got even more ways to crank shit up to the next level. Allow us to introduce you to the ovipositor.
“What’s an ovipositor?” you might ask like you don’t have even a passing interest in entomological sexual practices. Allow us to enlighten you (and possibly make you rue the day they taught you to read).
An ovipositor is a tube that deposits eggs. This could be in a grain of wheat, an arachnid abdomen, or even in a still-living caterpillar. But in this instance, it means in your ass.
That’s right – Bad Dragon’s ovipositor is absolutely, positively the last word in fucking yourself with something that also lays eggs inside of you. It’s so delightfully fucked up that we can’t believe nobody’s ever thought of it before.
If you’ve ever watched Alien and thought, “Man, it would be so hot if I got throat-fucked by a terrifying spider-crab-hand-thing and later gave birth to an extraterrestrial killing machine out of my chest,” then the ovipositor is the perfect sex toy for you.
Mystic The Unicorn Rideable
Sometimes, fudding yourself bloody stupid with a Bad Dragon dildo simply isn’t good enough. Sometimes you need to ride a dick (or potentially two). And sometimes, you’re not in the mood for riding some plain boring vanilla dick.
Sometimes you want to get fucked by a unicorn horn (or two – a duocorn?). That, dear reader, is where Mystic the Unicorn comes in.
Fully compatible with the Motorbunny Original machine, the Mystic is perfect for those who want to be double-penetrated by the keratin outgrowths of mythical equine creatures. And while that’s not quite as outré as having gelatine eggs laid in your asshole, it’s pretty out there.
Krampus The Satyr
Continuing the trend of fucking oneself with the dismembered members of mythical creatures, Krampus the Satyr is here to give a delightfully festive twist to all self-abuse proceedings.
Krampus the Satyr poses one simple question: “What if you were on Santa’s naughty list and had to be punished by his sexually voracious saturnine companion?” The answer, appropriately enough, is this voluptuous length of goat-man-elf penis.
The base of Krampus is molded to look like holly and fur because, of course, it is, and the shaft itself is a meaty, finely-textured behemoth that will be scrambling down your chimney before you can leave a carrot out for Rudolf.
Make no mistake, the Krampus will have you scrambling to make the naughty list again next year.
Reggie The Mothman
We know what you’re thinking: do moths even have dicks? The answer, you horny fuck, is: not exactly. But we’re not playing with reality here, and besides which, we’re talking about a mothman, and men have dicks. We’re pretty sure.
Questions of sexual morphology aside, Reggie the Mothman is here, and it’s here to fuck. There are far too few cryptids out there that can boast of having their very own dildo named after them, and Bigfoot and the Yeti are right fucking there.
We can only imagine how much it must piss them off that some dude that might not even have a dick got a sex toy before them.
”An ovipositor is a tube that deposits eggs. This could be in a grain of wheat, an arachnid abdomen, or even in a still-living caterpillar. But in this instance, it means in your ass.”
If you’ve ever wondered what a mothman’s dick might look like, you need to wonder no more. Basically, it’s covered in all kinds of bulges and ridges and shit, of the kind that, if you saw it on a real dick, would have you calling the STI clinic simply by being in the same room as it.
On Reggie the Mothman, however, it’s pretty endearing and feels totally fucking awesome. It’s not as good as depositing alien eggs inside your own birth canal, of course, but it’s up there.
Hanzo The Oni Mask
Have you ever watched traditional Japanese Kabuki theatre and thought to yourself, “I’d really like to get fucked by one of those masks?”
The good news is that you’re not alone in this highly niche fetish. The better news is that some of those other people with this specific fetish have gone out and fucking designed a dildo for this very fetish. That’s right, you weeby little paraphiliac: meet Hanzo.
Not to be confused with master swordsmith and sushi chef Hattori Hanzo, the Hanzo is very much an oni mask that’s come to fuck your asshole.
An oni (as if you don’t already know, weeb) is a sort of Japanese demon or ogre, best known for terrorising folk in Japanese mythology.
They’re less well known for tongue-fucking horny Westerners, but with God’s grace and the invention of Hanzo the Oni Mask, all that will change.
Meng, The Chinese Dragon
Skipping effortlessly from one far-Eastern culture to another, Bad Dragon dildos have gone all out to bring us Meng, the Chinese Dragon. Far from being a boss from a mid-90s side-scrolling beat ‘em up, Meng is actually – stop the presses – a fucking dildo.
As with all of the other entries in this article, Meng is a dildo with a twist. Not content with the supreme boringness that is a regular dick, the dildo doyens at Bad Dragon have outdone themselves yet again by coming up with the weirdest possible shit to cram up your joyholes.
Meng is, as you’ve probably figured out at this point, a dragon. But he’s not just any dragon – he’s surprisingly adorable for something that you’re likely going to bump up against your prostate, with just the cutest little face you ever did see.
But that doesn’t make him any less skilled at getting your motor revving – the finely textured scaled body of this dildonic drake ensures that you’ll be screaming dracarys with all the passion of a hot-headed Targaryen scion as you repeatedly slam Meng the Merciless into your back passage. You’re in for a good time, is what we’re saying. Go buy Meng already.
There’s Bad Dragon Dildos For Every Kinky Taste!
This is far from an exhaustive list of weird crazy dildos put out by Bad Dragon – we haven’t even touched upon their entries in the line of cyber-unicorn, mecha-feline, anthro-feline, or werecroc (yes, werecroc) dildos – but we like to think we’ve given you a great starting point for exploring ever-weirder things to put in your ass. You can thank us later.
If nothing else, we can only hope that we’ve unlocked at least one new bizarre sexual fetish for you. And if that new fetish happens to be simulating the insectile practice of injecting eggs directly into your body and then ‘laying’ them to get your rocks off, then you’re very welcome.
Oh, and if you want to read about my toe-curling exp[eriences of stuffing bizarre dildos and weird sex toys in my slutty holes? Check out my eye-watering reviews covering stuff like the squirt-inducing Scorpion Sex Saddle or the fisting dildo phenomenon of Dana’s Grip!
Until next time, otakus, entomophiles, and everything in between. Happy self-fucking.
