We live in a brave new world where anything’s possible. You can send a message around the world in seconds, you can have a machine-learning algorithm knock up an entire essay or article for you in seconds (not that we’d know anything about that, of course), and you can even get your dick sucked by a machine.
“Now hold on a second,” you might be thinking, hypothetical skeptical reader, “how on earth can a machine possibly recreate the feeling of an actual blowjob from an actual human being? To which we answer: have you seen what they can do with medical-grade silicone these days?
Give it another few years, and we won’t even need to fuck actual people anymore. It will be the end of the human race, but the blowjobs will be out of this world.
Without further ado, dear reader, let us venture into the salacious world of blowjob machines that totally fucking suck. (in a good way!)
Table of Contents
Kiiroo Keon (Powerblow Accessory) is a Wild Blowjob Robot

If you’re a sex toy enthusiast, then it’s doubtful that the Kiiroo brand needs much introduction. They’re the industry leaders in ersatz fucking and sucking, and their baseline Keon device routinely tops lists of the best sex toys on the market.
We’re looking not at the baseline Keon today, however, but the Powerblow accessory in particular. What does the Powerblow do, you might ask? You remember what article you’re reading, right?
The Keon is a bulky bit of kit, so you probably won’t be taking it on business trips with you (but you could if you were really dedicated to getting a machine blowjob at the annual Coventry conference).
”It’s like getting sucked off by ten slutty mouths at once, somehow combined into some anime-esque gestalt monstrosity of a dick-sucking mouth that just about threatens to pull your dick all the way off through sheer dint of suction power.”
Still, that bulkiness makes for a sturdy and reliable sex toy that’s going to stand the test of time. All that bulk means it’s powerful, too. This bad boy could suck a toothpick through a corkscrew tunnel.
This suction, compared with the realistic TPE material, makes for a blowjob that feels just like the real thing. If you close your eyes, you could swear you were in your hotel room getting sucked off by a Norwegian whore with a PhD in sucking dick – it’s that good. And this isn’t even going into its app-controlled variables or teledildonic interconnectivity.
The bottom line is that getting blown by the Kiiroo Keon is probably the best blowjob machine experience you’ll have in your life. You’ll never even look at another human mouth again.
Autoblow AI Ultra Cock Sucking Machine

You know what makes everything better? AI. There is literally nothing that cannot be improved by the addition of machine learning. Refrigerators, essay writing (could AI do a callback like that? We think not), ovens, nuclear weapons – you name it, it’s immediately improved by the use of unregulated artificial intelligence algorithms.
Sex toys are no exception. There is absolutely nothing that could go wrong by giving a dick-sucking machine the ability to think for itself and then putting it on your dick. The machine wants you to have a good time. It’s not the overlord, you are. And it’s here to suck your dick to prove that very point.
Which is a very long-winded way of introducing you to the Autoblow AI. Autoblow has put out a number of shaft-waxing machines over the years, but as good as the previous ones were, they didn’t have hundreds of hours of blowjob porn injected into their algorithms to teach them how to really play the flesh flute – and it shows.
The Autoblow AI is, similarly to the Kiiroo Keon, a tad on the bulky side (sorry, conference-going nosh enthusiasts), but as with the Keon, that heft confers power. And does size really matter when you’re getting your junk eaten by Skynet? We probably could have worded that better, but trust us – it’s good.
The Kiiroo Onyx+ Oral Sex Simulator

What’s that, you say? Do you want a Kiiroo machine that you can take on your trip to the Maldives? While we make no guarantees as to making it through security without a bag check, we can assure you that the Kiiroo Onyx+ will fit in your carry-on.
And while it lacks a little of the raw sucking power of some of the more powerful options on the market, it’s hands-down one of the finest lightweight blowjay machines available.
As with most modern Kiiroo toys, it’s at its best when making full use of its cutting-edge bells and whistles. It can be connected to your device via Bluetooth, allowing you to manually alter speed/power, etc., while you’re getting your length girded.
It’s also balls-deep into Teledildonics and connectible to other Kiiroo sex toys (allowing your partner to remotely pipe you off), and it can sync with thousands of porn videos on whitelisted porn sites so that you can watch a blowjob vid and feel like you’re getting noshed off in time with the action on the screen.
Lovense Calor Blowjob Masturbator

With a name that’s got you hoping for a discreet billing name on your credit card statement, the Lovense Calor does not fuck around when it comes to sucking your shit.
It packs a powerful punch on the vibrating front, but it also has a warming function that helps it to feel like a genuine orifice, and in a nice tactile touch, you can squeeze its length to make it suck harder.
Using an app to control suction strength is great and all, but there’s something immediately satisfying about getting a harder suck with a simple squeeze.
In addition, this is Lovense we’re talking about, so you know that we’re talking about the very finest in teledildonics.
This shit is hooked up to no end of cam and AV sites, meaning that you can get remotely blown by your favorite cam girl in real time. You can’t put a price on that kind of experience (actually, you can – it’s roughly $100 plus sales tax).
Lovense Solace Delivers a Mind-Bending Auto Blowjob

With a name that’s slightly more suitable for a credit card bill (another callback! Take that, AI), the Lovense Solace is here to give solace to even the loneliest of prospective dick suckees.
It’s fully hands-free, meaning you can slip it into its mount, remove your hands and let it go to town without worrying about it slipping (except for up and down your dick) or falling.
Again, with it being Lovense, you are guaranteed the most ridiculously granular level of control, making the blowjob experience infinitely customizable and just an all-around general amazing good time for every concerned. This goes for whether you’re seeking solo solace, hitting up your favorite slutty cam girl, or simply synching it up to a compatible video.
Blowmotion Warming Pulsating Blowjob Toy

With a name that will have your wife, partner, or conference roommate asking, “What’s that do?” the Blowmotion Warming Pulsating Blowjob Machine makes no bones about what it’s here to do.
It’s here to warm, to pulsate, and to blowjob machine. Make no mistake, this is certainly a machine that has been created for a very specific purpose. No existential crisis for the Blowmotion, no sir.
It’s worth pointing out that the Blowmotion is very much on the discreet side, with a depth of about 3.5 inches. This means that it will generally cover only about half of the penis (or maybe you’re lucky enough that it swallows the whole thing, we don’t know), so if you’re looking for a whole-dick sucking experience then you might be best looking elsewhere.
That said, it sports excellent warming capabilities and responds to touch, meaning your hotel roommate is going to wonder what the fuck is going on when they walk in on you using this bad boy mid-conference (they won’t; they’ll know more or less exactly what’s going on and leave immediately. Or get involved, who knows).
Autoblow Vacuglide Blowjob Simulator

People are always banging on about ‘realism’ and ‘texture’ when talking about blowjob machines (we spend a lot of time talking to people about blowjob machines, we know about these things).
Still, they are often overlooking one very important fact: what’s the point of getting your dick sucked by a machine if it doesn’t bring anything to the experience that a human being couldn’t?
That’s where the Autoblow Vacuglide comes in. Make no mistake – this shit is powerful. It’s like getting sucked off by ten slutty mouths at once, somehow combined into some anime-esque gestalt monstrosity of a dick-sucking mouth that just about threatens to pull your dick all the way off through sheer dint of suction power. OK, it’s not quite that powerful. But it’s damn powerful, is what we’re saying. It’s like fucking a wind tunnel.
It’s worth pointing out that this kind of power comes at a price. The Vacuglide is a little on the noisy side, meaning it’s a pick best used at home rather than in the Maldives or, we dunno, some other location where you might take a portable dick-sucking machine. Some sort of large business gathering or something, perhaps.
LELO FS V2 Blowjob Machine

For the ultimate in discretion, look no further than the LELO FS V2. It may sound like a 1990s war crime, but it’s small, it’s light, and it packs easily into your carry-on without raising anything more than your dick once you get this bad boy unpacked again.
Unusually for blowjob machines, it doesn’t actually suck in any capacity – this naughty little fucker is nothing but vibration. And while that might strike some people as cheating, it’s only cheating in the same that you’re cheating on your wife when you pull this sucker out and wrap it around your dick, chief. Just relax and go with the blow.
It’s Time to Go With the Blow and Get One of These Male Sex Machines!
While we haven’t covered every single blowjob machine out there (the chafing’s getting a little out of hand, and we’re gonna need a couple of days to recover over here, alright?), we like to think that we’ve curated a list of the very finest ways to artificially get your pipes cleaned.
Did we miss any of your favorite knob-noshers off the list? Let us know, and we’ll get right on putting our dicks in yet more unfamiliar hunks of col yet welcoming metal!