From the pathetic PIED worms that I adore locking in chastity to the throbbing veiny members that make my eyes roll as my clit connects to their balls, I’m a whore who appreciates cock in all of its forms.
But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a size queen. I love being pushed to my absolute limit as a hung Alpha tries to make my throat pregnant or makes me squeal like a harlot as his dick invades my bowels in a hardcore anal session.
This is no state secret, and it has made me one of the go-to women for sex toys looking for willing subjects to test out their most extreme and eye-wateringly large dildos.
”My mouth formed an O shape and my eyes rolled around wildly as this behemoth oblitered my twat.”
Recently, I was contacted by Funzze to review their horse cock dildo, one of their latest sex toys that have been causing a lot of discussions online and is said to be a toy reserved for only the boldest of sexual pioneers.
This toy is no joke, but it was a perverse mission I was more than keen to undertake. Little did I know how extreme things would become. Put a towel down, because it’s about to get messy!
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Pushed to the Absolute Limit
As soon as the courier placed the box in my hand, the weight of the toy sent thunderbolts to my cunt. What the hell is this made of, steel? I thought.
Like all Funzze toys, the toy was impeccably packaged and promptly delivered. As soon as I unboxed it, my eyes almost popped out of my head, and my slit started perspiring.
This thing is fucking HUGE! It’s hard to convey in pictures how big this horse dick dildo is, so here are the stats alongside a snap of the toy next to a 630ml beer bottle for scale:
- 10.62-inch (26.97cm) total length.
- 8.66 inches (21.99) of insertable length.
- The thickest girth is 5.9 inches (14.98).
I decided on some fitting porn to watch (a BBC gangbang with some immensely hung black men) and slapped this sucker on a tiled floor before caking it in lube and gradually sliding down on it.
I’ll be honest; it took me around twenty minutes for my veteran pussy to swallow this thing whole, and feeling the textured balls connect with my swollen clit felt like a true victory!
Clamping a rubber duck sex toy (also from Funzze) to my clit, I began sliding my gaping twat from top to bottom of this beast. It didn’t take me long to realize something; I wasn’t fucking this toy; it was fucking me!
My mouth formed an O shape, and my eyes rolled around wildly as this behemoth obliterated my twat. I could feel it in the depths of my womb with each descent and soon began to experience the tell-tale signs of a powerful orgasm building.
My pace quickened, and the rubber duck sex toy sucking my clit was relentless. As the BBC gangbang on the screen reached its most intense point yet, I lost control.
I roared like a Banshee and felt my pussy squirt. However, this toy momentarily kept it all inside as it formed an airtight seal in my twat.
My convulsing pussy forced it out, causing it to flair around on its suction cup as I baptized it in a jet of crystal-clear squirt before stumbling out of my squat and falling down onto the towel.
I was shaking wildly. The toy was caked in my pussy grool, lube, and glistening with squirt. The trapped air flew out of my pussy with extreme force, causing a gurgling sound to resonate around the room and join the sounds of the hardcore porn blasting from the TV.
What I Liked About the Horse Dildo
As I lay there with the now defiled toy laying on the soaked towel next to me, I felt my twat pulsate as if clucking for its return.
The toy had defeated me, ruined my makeup, and keyholed my pussy. There was a lot to respect about this horse cock dildo, but here are some of the main highlights.
The Beautiful Design
The design of this toy is absolutely divine, and it comes in a color blend of pink and purple. It’s so damn aesthetic, and unlike most of my sex toys which are held in a locked box, I keep this one on my desk in my home office. It looks awesome as a perverse ornament!
The attention to detail in the structure of the toy is incredible, too, and Funzze has added prominent veins and bumps in all of the right places. When you feel them slide past your labia and deep inside your pussy, it’s immense!
The Suction Cup
I’ve slid my veteran pussy over many dildos over the years, and one persistent issue I face is weak suction cups that leave the toy falling off pretty much any surface you stick it to.
The horse cock dildo from Funzze doesn’t have this problem, which I’m thankful for, as it’s an absolute beast and needs some serious staying power to remain in place.
The suction cup sticks to any smooth, flat surface and will withstand some serious masturbation, even in wet environments like the shower. It isn’t going anywhere!
Easy-to-Clean
I love getting wet and messy in my Gooning sessions, and this toy has the ability to turn my pussy into a gurgling mess in a few seconds flat.
Thankfully, it’s exceptionally easy to clean, especially when you use it with water-based lube. This was great, as I was completely wrecked after playing with this and had no energy for a prolonged cleanup afterward.
Criticisms and Suggestions I Have For This Huge Horse Cock Toy
Truth be told, I loved this toy. But I strive to make my reviews as transparent as possible, so here are some minor criticisms and suggestions I have for the brand.
I Didn’t Like the Glitter in the Design
The toy’s color scheme has glitter embedded in it. I hate glitter! It gets everywhere and is impossible to remove.
I trust Funzze and hope the glitter is embedded far from the surface of the toy, but the thought of the glitter coming off in my pussy and ass isn’t a nice one.
It Should Come With Lube
To use this toy without injuring yourself, you need a tonne of lube. It would be a good idea for Funzze to combine lube with the toy as an extra selling point and perhaps brand the lube to match the horse cock fantasy theme of the dildo.
Top Tips for Using this Horse Cock Dildo
A dildo of this size is a toy that comes with serious responsibility. Getting to grips with it and taking it balls deep was a learning curve, so I want to share my top tips for using it!
Take it Slow, For the Love of Horse Cocks!
The excitement of getting a toy like this can often be overwhelming. But please, take it slow! This toy is not a joke, and you shouldn’t rush into taking it balls deep.
Luckily, the suction cup lets you stick it to multiple surfaces in a variety of positions and gradually work your way into taking it inch by inch at your own pace.
Lube it up, and Then Lube it up Again!
I can’t stress this enough. Think of the average amount of lube you put on a regular dildo, and quadruple it! Also, don’t forget to reapply regularly. Your holes will thank you!
It’s a Great Tool for Blowjob Practice
A lot of people think this horse cock dildo is merely for penetration, but it’s also phenomenal for practicing your deepthroat skills.
Stick this bad boy to a wall, drop to your knees, and see how much you can take down your willing throat.
If you can go balls-deep on this, you will never have to worry about your deepthroating abilities on a guy ever again!
Do I Recommend this Horse Dick Dildo?
The Funzze horse dick dildo is a finely crafted, robust, and high-quality sex toy that is more than worth the price.
But is it suitable for everybody? No.
Some sex toys are universal, but this realistic horse cock dildo is reserved for those who are true size queens and love to be truly gaped. But if you’re the latter type of person, then it’s a toy I highly recommend.
You can pick it up via the official Funzze website, and it’s currently on offer with $15 off its regular retail price.
