While they might be able to strike terror into your heart on sight, scorpions are actually fascinating creatures that have been around since the time of the dinosaurs.
Scorpions can also withstand some of the most arduous and demanding environments on Earth, which is likely why Mr Hankey decided to pit one of his latest inventions against my cunt.
The filthy-minded scientists working in the bowels of Mr Hankey HQ had already thrown one of their most notorious hole-destroying dildos, Dana’s Fist, at me and watched me withstand it.
‘’Don’t stuff this thing in your cunt, Catherine,’’ I was bluntly informed. ‘’It’s a sex saddle for you to grind on and take for a ride if you accept the challenge?’’
Today, Mr. Hankey’s ominous-looking Scorpion sex grinder arrived in the mail, and I knew the perfect place to take it for a clit-deep review. After all, Scorpions belong outdoors, right?
Table of Contents
What is the Scorpion Sex Grinder?
Whether you opt for the term sex grinder, pleasure saddle, or loveseat, there’s a fistful of ways you can describe Mr Hankey’s Scorpion sex toy.
As many of Mr Hankey’s sordid inventions are penetrative dildos that range from hyperrealistic to utterly bizarre, this non-penetrative toy is definitely one of the brand’s most unique creations.
It’s a sex grinder molded in the shape of a formidable scorpion clinging to a boulder for you to clamp your cunt over and ride from head to tail until your slit can’t take it anymore and explodes.
The toy is designed with two kinds of kinksters in mind: those who cum hardest from grinding, non-penetrative sex, or people seeking a quirky form of foreplay before they stuff their holes.
”My fuck-me heels were kicked off onto the limestone rocks as I shifted my knees in a quest to fit as much of the Scorpion’s sordid bumps and grinds into my gurgling slit as I possibly could.”
Like all of the toys coming out of the bowels of Mr Hankey’s, this is a precision-crafted sex aid that is packed with grooves, bumps to hammer your vulva, and clit-seeking ‘’stinger.’’
The toy comes in two sizes, handheld and a saddle, and you can customize everything from the color and firmness according to your perverted imagination and what your pussy desires.
I went for a classic color scheme that matched my slutty heart, black, and delicately packed the saddle in a backpack. I was going on a sordid little adventure, and the toy was coming with me.
Riding the Sex Saddle on Top of a Mountain
Aside from sinking into the warm arms of Porn, there are few better ways I like to clear my head than by going on a long walk. Currently working in Central Europe, I’ve found the perfect place to stroll on the balmy evenings.
It’s a foreboding medieval fortress clinging to a mountain ridge that, at sunset, is a divine place to walk for miles, enjoy a glass of wine, and masturbate outdoors, seeing as it’s always empty.
The deserted limestone cliffs overlooking the panorama of the city below were the perfect place for me to deploy Mr Hankey’s Scorpion, and my slit was bubbling at the thought.
It was time to peel off my wet panties, slide into some stockings, and switch my hiking trainers for my black fuck-me heels. The Scorpion, now sitting on the limestone rock ledge, awaited me.
The snap of high heels on the rock cut through the air as I straddled the toy. *drip, drip, drip!* fuck, I could hear my slit splashing all over the Scorpion before I’d even engulfed it with my labia.
I watched as the Scorpion’s strong claws and bulging head vanished under my cunt meat before taking a few long, slow, and drawn-out strides across its body to take it all in.
The bulging claws part your labia to ensure none of your pink paradise is left unscathed by the toy’s quirky design features, allowing the head and tail to do their thing to maximum effect.
‘’Nngghhh,’’ I whimpered as the tail twanged off my clit. I call it a stinger, but it has the opposite effect and seemed to strike my pleasure button with as much accuracy as a real scorpion’s tale.
Popping a pair of noise-canceling headphones in, I began absorbing a XXX playlist of Goonette hypno and porn music videos while my grinding slit subconsciously picked up the pace.
I could feel my eyes twisting into each other as the bumps and grinds did a number on my meaty labia, and that merciless tail relentlessly pricked at my throbbing clit.
At the top of the toy, the Scorpion’s bulbous head pushed into my hole and occasionally slipped further back and teased my ass. Fuck! Talk about a tease! I was desperate for penetration!
And that desperation fuelled my grinding even further, pushing me deeper onto the toy in a degrading bid to fit as much of the head in my wanting hole as I could.
My fuck-me heels were kicked off onto the limestone rocks as I shifted my knees in a quest to fit as much of the Scorpion’s sordid bumps and grinds into my gurgling slit as I possibly could.
But doing so only made that clitoral twang even more intense. This scorpion was a cruel mistress, and it was almost as if it knew it had my cunt firmly within its claws.
I could feel it coming. One glide, two glides, three glides, bang! The final grind saw me lift my hips off the toy, still feeling the vibration from the tail running through my clit.
The sight of my squirt painting the sun-bleached limestone was utterly divine, as were my screams of sheer ecstasy that even breached my noise-canceling headphones.
As I lay there quivering and trying to compose myself while the sun dried the layer of sexual sweat clinging to my body, the Shakespearean line from Macbeth ran through my mind:
“O, full of scorpions is my mind!’’
What I Liked About This Arachnid Sex Toy
As the sun sets and I admire the panoramic view below me, tainted by pools of slit gush and my high heels, it’s time for me to recollect and outline what I liked most about the Scorpion.
It’s an Eye-Rolling Experience From Head to Tail
The Scorpion might not look like much at first glance, but it’s not to be underestimated. From the bulging head to the springy tail, this is an experience your wanting cunt will never forget.
It’s only when you examine the toy close up that you notice where all of the sexual carnage has come from. Mr Hankey left no stone unturned to ensure the toy delivers on the orgasm front.
Depending on how fast you ride the toy, you can barely absorb one sensation before you’re hit with the next, whether it’s bumps, grinds, bubbles, ridges, or that lethal clitoral sting on the tail.
The Scorpion’s head is also a brutal clit tease as it gives you a taste of penetration without actually delivering it, and this was a key ingredient in my knee-trembling orgasm.
Yep, the details of this toy are absolutely insane. From delicate nodes designed to make you cum to hairline patterns that you can barely see with the naked eye, this is a quality sex toy.
It’s Heavy Enough to Stay Grounded But Light Enough to Carry in a Bag
When unboxing the Scorpion, my first concern was whether it would stay where I wanted to when I was in full flow, as shit can get pretty intense. However, I needn’t have worried.
The base of the Scorpion is no joke, and it’s well-designed to keep it where you want it when riding. It doesn’t need a suction cup, and it can withstand even the most intense pussy grinding.
Plus, it’s not that heavy, either. The saddle isn’t something I’d want to carry around in my handbag with me all day, but it’s fine for putting in a backpack or suitcase when on a hike or traveling.
It’s a Very Discreet Sex Saddle
While plenty of Mr. Hankey’s toys are far from discreet, the Scorpion isn’t one of them. To non-kinky normies, it just looks like a quirky ornament and not a grinder sex toy.
And, just like Dana’s Fist and the Assberge Egg, which I also reviewed recently, Hankey’s Scorpion sex saddle makes for a fine ornament in any Goon Cave or sex-themed playroom.
Here’s What I’d Change About This Ride On Sex Toy
There wasn’t much I didn’t like about the Scorpion, but there is one suggestion I have for Mr Hankey surrounding the overall length of the toy because I didn’t want the pleasure to end!
While I love that there’s a sex saddle and handheld version of the Scorpion sex grinder, I’m sure I’m not alone in wanting a larger version for longer and more hardcore riding.
”Old Japanese saying, live scorpion in pants makes life interesting.”
― Will Hobbs, Downriver.
Looking at this pussy grool-drenched toy after cumming on it, I found my mind racing at the thought of one three times the size and how much sexual carnage it could unleash.
Yeah, I’m a pleasure-hungry bitch, and I’m always craving more debauchery! Other than that, there’s not much I’d change about the Scorpion.
A Whore’s Advice For Those Looking to Ride
The Scorpion is a unique XXX aid, to say the least. If you’re wondering where to begin with this sex saddle, here are a few tips from a whore who has been there, done it, and got a squirt puddle.
Get Some Good Lube Before You Take it For a Spin
I was wet enough to dive clit-first into the Scorpion sex grinder, but I’d still suggest having some lube on hand to smooth the experience out, as this toy can take its toll on an ill-prepared cunt.
Avoid lube that turns sticky fast, too. There’s reliable lube on Mr Hankey’s accessories page, so it’s worth looking and seeing what works best with more niche and hardcore toys like this.
Bite the Bullet and Get the Combo
There are two versions of this sex grinder. One is a smaller handheld one for you to rub against your pussy, and the other is a larger saddle that you can put on the floor and ride like a whore.
The former costs around $70, and the latter $140. However, you can get a bundle with both of them for $160, and I suggest going for this because both toys fill a unique role in their own right.
For example, the handheld toy can fit in your handbag or carry-on luggage, ready to be deployed when needed, whereas the larger saddle can be left in your Goon Cave or playroom.
So, Will It Make Your Slit ‘’Spit Venom?’’
Whether you’re looking for a non-penetrative way to cum or want eye-rolling foreplay that’ll really warm your pussy up, the Scorpion will likely be able to deliver a lethal blow on your cunt.
Both the handheld toy and the sex saddle are gorgeously designed creations from the perverted minds of Mr Hankey that add some lovely diversity to its penetrative-focused sex toy range.
While I much prefer to squat on a Gooner’s face, I think this Scorpion sex toy will fast become one of my new favorite seats in the coming months. The only downside? I wish it were longer!
