June 1st, 1990. In an era when porn wasn’t as accessible as it is today, I can’t tell you how much the three-breasted hooker from Total Recall blew my horny mind when I first laid eyes upon her.
Fast forward more than three decades later, porn fanatics like us can now masturbate to Total Recall’s three-breasted hooker using alien sex toys. What a time to be alive!
We all like a good sex toy, but some of us also like the adventures of Ellen Ripley in the Alien Quadrilogy, and there are even a few demented souls that enjoyed Eddie Redmayne’s unbelievable scenery-chewing in Jupiter Rising.
The problem for enjoyers of both the former and latter is that rarely do the twain meet, which leaves perverted sci-fi fans precious little in the way of stylized xenomorph mouths to shove through their event horizon.
”Your tongue will lovingly caress the fine details on its super laser focus lens as Mistress Leia slips a lubed-up Ika into your Sarlacc Pit. And you’ll scream into its finely contoured equatorial trench as she uses the Force on your helpless prostate, Luke.”
Fortunately, however, we live in a modern world with modern solutions to old problems, and many of those solutions come in the form of large machine-molded tentacles and self-lubricating demon horns.
And while the latter is of precious little interest to us at present, we are more than happy to deep-dive (so to speak) the former.
Join us, friends, as we explore the weird and wonderful world of alien sex toys that’ll blow the mind of any open-minded fan of sci-fi!
Table of Contents
Ika The Tentacle is One of Bad Dragon’s Popular Alien Sex Toys
Industry leaders Bad Dragon are at the top of the pile for a reason – they’ve been putting out consistently high-quality products year after year without letting up.
Ika the Tentacle is a shining example not only of that commitment to quality but also to seeing their customers fucking themselves absolutely simply with giant hentai appendages.
Ika is the perfect confluence between aesthetics and functionality. It comes with a dizzying forty different colors to choose from, from classic matt hues to silver-dusted glossy black, and several UV-reactive multicolored flavors for those who like to spice things up in the dark.
If you’d rather come up with your own color, that’s totally an option, too. Choose your own single solid color, opt for a marbled effect, or get fancy with a two-color fade.
The texture of Ika makes for one of the most sensual fuddings you’ll ever experience in your life. The suckers dotted all along its meaty girth are great for stimulating your G-spot, and the large shaft is perfect for controlling the behemoth as it explores every last inch of your bodily cavities.
Whatever your desire in a large multi-suckered tentacular fisting, you can be sure that Ika has got you covered.
Space Station Ball Gag
Have you ever wanted to get fucked while feeling like you had a moon-sized, planet-shattering superweapon wedged between your teeth?
First, we’d have to marvel at the very, very specific nature of your particular paraphilia. Next, we’d point you toward this space station ball gag – one that seems almost tailor-made for that very specific paraphilia.
The Space Station Ball Gag may have a generic name seemingly designed to sidestep potential litigation by a certain mouse-mascoted megacorporation, but that doesn’t mean it’s skimped at all on the little details.
You’ll swear that that’s no moon as your femdom of choice pops it into your wanton mouth and cinches the straps tight.
Your tongue will lovingly caress the fine details on its super laser focus lens as Mistress Leia slips a lubed-up Ika into your Sarlacc Pit.
And you’ll scream into its finely contoured equatorial trench as she uses the Force on your helpless prostate, Luke.
All in all, just a wonderful bit of kit that will slot excellently into the collection of any intellectual-copyright-conscious BDSM nerds.
Doc Johnson’s Fort Troff Gunner System 3-In-1 Modular Fuck Machine is Ideal for Your Alien Dildo
Fuck… Try not to forget about that space station ball gag I just mentioned because I think you’re going to need it for this toy, at least for the sake of your neighbors.
This isn’t the kind of sex machine you’d want to surprise a touchy military veteran with, as they’d likely scream, ”RPG! Get down!” rather than present their ass to it.
Introducing the Fort Troff 3-in-1 sex machine from the renowned Doc Johnson. This beast looks like part of the defense system on the Predator Mothership!
But the only thing that this alien sex toy will be gunning down is your inner lust as it pounds your thirsty holes like they deserve, with enough stamina to go all night!
The Fort Troff might look sexually intimidating, but it’s suitable for everybody, from rookies to sexual veterans, and it can even be held like a Plasma Rifle if you want to hit a particular position!
This Alien Fleshlight Will Extract Your Spunk For… Research Purposes
Picture the scene; you were taking a late-night stroll before being hit with a bright light shining on you from above. Now, you’ve woken up on a spaceship surrounded by female aliens from another planet.
Initially terrified, you’re soon put at ease by the soft touch of these female aliens and suddenly feel your cock rise to attention at the sight of their plump and bizarre-looking tits and pussy on display.
”So, human!” they speak to you through a high-tech translation device, ”we’re fascinated by your reproductive organs and want you to demonstrate how they work!”
Spreading their alien legs, you’re invited into an extraterrestrial orgy of experimental sex that sees your cock being experimented on as you strive to. inseminate these stunning alien sluts.
Well, while we can’t arrange an alien abduction for you, there are some alien Fleshlight toys out there that are pretty much the next best thing if you half close your eyes and use your imagination!
Fleshlight recently unleashed their Freaks Alien male masturbator that features an alluring blue alien pussy complete with two clits! Damn, that’ll make the chick from Total Recall jealous as fuck!
It’s aesthetic, unique, and a must-have for sexually ferocious sci-fi fans. Hell, as Fleshlight themselves put it, it’s time to go where no manhood has gone before!
Miksko Human-Alien Hybrid Dildo
Maybe you’re less in the mood for the purity of Alien and more looking for a certain je ne sais quoi with a cheeky hybrid abomination à la Alien: Resurrection?
Fret not, dear sci-fi masturbation enthusiast: the Miksko will have you turned around and upside down with its mind-bending HR-Giger-inspired monstrosity, the Miksko.
Purportedly sporting “alien biomechanical features,” according to the manufacturer, the Miksko makes up for what it lacks in Bad Dragon-esque customisability with a relatively low cost. And it still has plenty to offer in terms of various colors, with a frankly staggering array to choose from.
Its textured surface and enviable girth also make for a thoroughly fantastic smashing in of one’s meat flaps, too, with the Misksko going balls to the wall (sometimes literally) to ensure that you get your money’s worth out of this mad science experiment in self-fucking.
G’lorp Ovipositor Dildo
We know what you’re thinking – that space station (which is definitely not inspired by anything that rhymes with Shmeath Shtar) up above is one of the weirdest possible fetishes that anyone could have, right? What could possibly top something as bizarre as that?
Oh, dear sweet summer child. Hold our beer as we introduce you to the G’lorp Ovipositor.
If you’re a normal and well-adjusted person (and if that’s the case, what are you doing here?) and also not an entomologist, then you probably don’t know what an ovipositor is.
Allow us to enlighten you, you simple naïve creature: an ovipositor dildo is a tube thingy that insects (and aliens) use to implant eggs in unwilling creatures.
If this is your jam, then the G’lorp has got you covered. This amazing sex toy not only allows you to plumb the depths of your own orifices but will also allow you to leave a little something behind for your internal organs to dwell on.
The G’lorp dildo comes (at a small additional cost) with a number of silicone eggs – from small to large – that can be deposited in your body like a face-hugger forcibly impregnating your chest against your will.
Ledo The Sandworm
Whether you’re still into that famously litigious purveyor of wars among the stars or you’re more of a Dune person (Denis Villeneuve would never sue us, right?), Ledo the Sandworm might be just the silicon-molded monstrosity you’d like to slot your package into.
For those who’ve only ever been able to dream about face-fucking a giant sandworm, there’s finally a way to make it real.
Ledo looks like every weird dick-devouring thing you saw in 80s alien horror movies. Move over, Critters; Ledo is here to swallow your member whole and do things you only ever dreamed of with furtive hand-shandies under your He-Man comforter.
With three textured lip-flap things to peel back and a fully textured and contoured interior, there’s nothing quite like fucking Ledo’s invited toothy maw.
It’s not quite as out there as laying eggs inside yourself, but quite frankly, we don’t believe that will ever be topped.
In The Words of E.T., “I’ll… be… right… here!”
Science fiction has allowed the human race to explore parts of the imagination many never thought possible, and these alien sex toys are a prime example of that.
We live in an age where an intergalactic-style fuck machine fitted with a tentacle dildo can make you cum harder than ever before, but you can thankfully stifle your moans with a space station ball gag.
Truly, there has never been a better time to be a kinky and sexually open-minded sci-fi fan. The question is, what alien sex toy will kick off your fantasy masturbation adventure?
If you’ve not found the weird alien sci-fi sex toy of your dreams on this list, then congratulations – you’ve unlocked a paraphilia that even we degenerates are unable to cater to.
For the rest of us, enjoy getting face-fucked by a planet-killing superweapon while an alien queen lays eggs in your Tannhauser Gate. It’s what Ripley would have wanted.
