HomeFetishHow to Goon Safely & Become an Elite Soldier of Porn

How to Goon Safely & Become an Elite Soldier of Porn

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It’s often a truly surreal sight when I have a small battalion of Gooners at one of my Pornosexual parties. They come from all walks of life and either end of the Gooning spectrum.

From curvy guys who have found confidence amongst the ranks of their fellow Pornosexuals to fit gym goers who look like they’ve just stepped off a porn set, you can find them all.

However, it’s often the latter who can pump their fuck meat the longest, while the former have to cease their edging for fear of cumming too soon. 

It also often turns out that the former gets dominated by a Gooning Adonis and is made to suck his Goon Stick clean of all the slop. Ah, the Pornosexual food chain is wild, isn’t it?

”You’re a servant of porn, so fuckin’ act like it!”

But you’d be wrong if you think the fit Gooners get that way from investing countless hours in the gym. After all, who has time for that when there’s a world of porn to make our way through?

Instead, they just follow Mommy Catherine’s Gooning safety advice and maintain the kind of Pornosexual lifestyle that transforms them into a fully-fledged soldier of porn.

And guess what? It’s time for me to pin you down and squirt some wisdom into your horny mouth. My darlings, prepare to be taught the ins and outs of Gooning safely like a porn soldier!

Stay in Shape With Porn Workouts

You’re a servant of porn, so fuckin’ act like it! Do you know the level of fitness needed to be a porn whore? Or how many hours do they need to invest in the gym to keep you Gooned?

The Best Feminizing Sissy Workout to Be a Big Booty Trans

The least you can do to pay your Porn Goddesses back is to ensure you stay in reasonable shape. Luckily, it can be incorporated into your Gooning sessions with ease. Here’s what I do!

  • Porn Milestones: Whenever I see one of my favorite porn actions, be it squirting cunts, an anal prolapse, or a sticky cumshot, I’ll drop to the ground and do twenty press-ups. 
  • Dumbbells: With one hand on my cunt or fisting my bowels, I’ll pick up a dumbbell weight in my other and do some reps. It feels divine and keeps the blood flowing.
  • Regular Walks: I’ll go for a fifteen-minute walk outside every few hours. Feeling the air on my raging slit is divine, and a walk always summons new perverse ideas to try out.

For me, Gooning feels awful when I stagnate for too long. Staying fit and keeping the blood flowing around my body ensures the orgasms hit so much harder across every muscle.

But more importantly than that, you can also stay in shape and withstand longer Gooning sessions that can go on for twenty-four hours or more. If that’s not an incentive, what is?

Hydration is Key to Absorbing Porn Better

The only excuse for not drinking water during a Gooning session is if I’m regularly squirting down your throat and keeping your tummy full of Goon Slop. Otherwise, get some water!

Gooning is a lot more intense on the body than you might think, and it’s so easy to become dehydrated when you’re in the midst of a Goon Sesh and drooling like a dumb Porn Piggy.

Get yourself a nice big water bottle, decorate it with some porn stickers, and ensure you squirt it past your lips throughout. It’ll boost your concentration and allow you to absorb the porn better!

Use the Right Kind of Gooning Lube and Lots of It!

One thing that I can’t stand seeing is Gooners who keep their slit or fuck sticks lubed up with nothing by their spit. My darlings, it’s not a good form of lube, and it’ll only dehydrate you.

Lube up and Goon caption

I don’t want you turning your Goon Stick or Slop Hole into something that looks as red as a piece of chorizo sausage because that’ll only cause you to have to take a break from Gooning!

Invest in a decent lube and find one that can withstand a good Gooning session. I’ve had great experiences with the likes of Liquid Silk, Swiss Navy Grease, and Fist It Sperm Lube.

Don’t go for the generic lube brands for normies; they’ll only let you down. Instead, opt for those reserved for the likes of fisting and extreme sex toys, as they tend to have more staying power.

Use a Basic Smart Watch to Track Your Gooning Fitness

I’m a whore, but I do like to have a touch of class here and there, so I prefer a traditional wristwatch over a smartwatch, unless I’m clit-deep in a Gooning session, that is.

A smartwatch, whether a basic fitness tracker or a dedicated Apple Watch, can be a solid addition to a Gooner’s kit and a great way to maintain a healthy Gooning lifestyle.

They tell you when you need to stand up and move around, when to go for a walk, remind you to stay hydrated, and many of the other things I’ve mentioned in this guide to Gooning safely.

After all, we can all relate to being turned into a cross-eyed mess in a puddle of our own juices when Gooning, and it’s so damn easy to lose track of time and forget to stay on top of things.

Don’t Become a Recluse 

Although I am guilty of canceling plans with friends and family to stay indoors and pump my slit senseless, it’s essential to maintain a social life alongside your Gooning lifestyle.

Two pornstars pose for photos at Venus Fair 2022

If you don’t, then you’ll see your social skills plummet, and nobody wants that. Hell, imagine meeting your most beloved Porn Goddess and being too awkward to converse with her? 

Even if you find yourself becoming bored by hanging out with normies who don’t share your adoration for smut, you can form a vivid social life with like-minded Gooners and Goonettes.

Why not attend a local porn convention I’ve made a list of here? Perhaps you can attend a gangbang event like this and Goon out to live porn with others? The opportunities are endless!

The social side of Gooning is one of the most underrated but powerful aspects of the Pornosexual lifestyle and one that’s not to be taken for granted.

Fuck, just ask these Porn-obsessed fuckers who I met up with at Venus in Berlin. They all went home with the scent of my cunt and asshole clinging to their fuck sticks!

Take Advantage of the Surprising Array of Gooner Furniture 

Many folks are surprised when I bring up the amount of Gooning furniture on offer and how much they can revolutionize a Pornosexual’s life. They’re not to be missed out on!

Of course, my favorite piece of Gooning furniture is the willing face of a Gooner or Goonette tonguing my meaty twat, but there are a lot more options out there, such as:

  • A gamer chair – A gaming chair is a solid addition to any Goon Cave and allows you to worship porn in comfort or kick back and lie vertically. Plus, they’re often rocking a leather exterior, which makes it easy to clean your Goon Slop off when you’re done.
  • A rising desk – But don’t get too comfy, you lazy fucker! Combine a gaming chair with a rising desk to ensure you’re not sitting on your ass all day long. Standing up while you Goon is an epic experience and a great way to keep things diverse in a Gooning Sesh.
  • An exercise bike – Another underrated piece of Gooning furniture is an exercise bike. Slap a dildo to the site and ride while you watch porn, or simply use it to stay in shape and keep the blood flowing and sweat running while you Goon. It’s so much fun!

Another epic piece of Gooning furniture that found its way into my collection is the Exerwork Desk. In fact, it’s such a prominent piece that it deserves a whole segment of its own!

The Exerwork Desk

The Exerwork desk is something that came into my possession during the pandemic when the gyms nearby were closed.

Not only was I starved for physical activity, lockdown had me starved for sex as well. I was beginning to lose my mind, but steady exercise – and Gooning – kept me steady during this time.

Using the exerwork bike, I had initially started watching TV or something to pass the time, until I realized I could make this much more entertaining.

I began watching porn while riding my exercise bike and loved how I could engage my full body.

Not only that but keeping my focus on my cadence and distance also helped me keep my edge for longer and longer.

Before you know it, I was biking for 10 miles at a time, absolutely dripping with sweat, and holding my edge until I hit my mileage goal – only then was I allowed to cum.

When I finally got my release, my whole body would be tired and happy. It’s so amazing to discover new ways to push yourself.

Never Do Things You Might Regret (Risk to Benefit Ratio?)

And last but not least is one of the most important parts of a Gooner safety manual and that’s never doing any porn-fuelled things that you might regret or that will negatively affect your life.

Goonette stare

I’m not taking the moral high ground here, and there have been plenty of times I’ve regretted my porn-inspired decisions. Here are just a few that spring to mind that I’m allowed to talk about:

  • Tearing off the condoms of the random men fucking me on the floor of a porn cinema that saw my post-orgasm clarity, causing me to rush to the nearest STI clinic. Thankfully, I didn’t catch anything.
  • Opening my eyelids for men to cum directly into my eyeball, only to end up with some very sore eyes for days afterward and regretting my decision every minute of the days that followed.
  • Letting a Gooner fuck me in the ass without lube because I was so desperately hungry for anal, only to end up with a severe injury that left my asshole sex-starved for weeks afterward.

These are just the tip of the iceberg, but you get the picture. Porn-fuelled adventures can be phenomenal, but only when they’re done responsibly. 

Always keep the benefit-to-risk ratio in mind. Is it really worth it if there’s a risk that it can negatively impact your everyday life? Never do anything you might regret later. 

Goon Hard, But Goon Safe 

With Gooning comes great power, my darlings, but there’s also a sense of responsibility. It’s crucial that you stay fit and healthy in your worship of porn to become the best you can be.

Clothes For Sluts And Gooners

I do hope this guide has opened your mind to the ways you can balance your Gooning with a healthy lifestyle, stay in shape and properly worship Porn as it’s meant to be served.

Picture yourself as standing in front of me, naked and erect, aspiring to join my elite Gooning Legion of Porn Soldiers. 

Do you think I’d accept you to join the ranks? Or would I assign you to lick the puddles of Goon Slop from the floor of the barracks? If it’s the latter, it sounds like you have some work to do.

And if you have any Gooning safety tips of your own or ideas to ensure a healthier Pornosexual lifestyle, feel free to spurt a comment below and make your fellow Gooners more informed.

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