As BDSM continues to attract more and more interest than it ever has done before, many are curious to find resources that will allow them to explore the fetish to the maximum. One of the most important aspects of a healthy BDSM relationship is rules for submissives to follow.
“In the morning, I would often take advantage of my bound sub with a strap on. Trust me, that wakes them up a lot quicker than a coffee!”
In my time before founding Whoreuro, my main profession was as a sex worker in various countries across Europe. I retired after 6 years with a lot of knowledge under my belt. Three of those years I spent as a dominatrix in the fetish scene.
I took my role as a dominatrix extremely seriously and put the utmost effort into my dom-sub relationships. When it came to setting rules for my slaves, a lot of time and thought went into them. And God help my slaves if they dared to break them.
To inspire newbie and veteran BDSM enthusiasts alike, I am going to share what I consider to be my 11 most important rules for submissives to follow when engaging in BDSM.
Not all of these rules are about whips and chains. Some focus on maintaining positive chemistry and a healthy BDSM experience. One that allows both/all partners to explore their sexual limits in a healthy and positive way.
Table of Contents
S and M For Beginners – Dom VS Sub
Whilst the experienced can skip this section, for those who are dipping their toes in the water of BDSM, here’s a brief overview of a Dom-Sub Relationship and what exactly it is. Whilst there are many dynamics, put simply:
A relationship between a dom and a sub sees one person (the submissive) hand over power to another person (the Dominant). The power will generally surround certain parts of kinky, erotic, or sexual play as well as various aspects of their life. The following list breaks down the most common dynamics:
- Just Play – In this type of BDSM, the power exchange is confined to when the mood strikes and usually doesn’t leave the bedroom (or the velvet dungeon).
- Part-time Dom sub relationship – This is exactly as it sounds. You are only into the lifestyle part-time, such as on weekends or certain events.
- 24/7 Dom sub Relationship – In this type, the Dom always maintains control of the sub according to the limits of a prearranged agreement or list of rules.
- A Micromanaged Relationship – This is a Dom sub relationship that sees even the smallest activities, no matter how personal and non-sexual, are under the control of the Dom.
- Total power exchange (TPE) – One of the most intense types of BDSM relationships. In this type, almost all aspects of the sub’s life fall under the total control of the Dom. The only power the sub is allowed to keep is the ability to walk away.
Before getting involved in a Dom-sub relationship, it’s important to know your boundaries and how in-depth you want to go. As well as taking the Dom sub test, these rules can be picked according to your desires. You can use them to deepen the dynamic of what is often an incredible sexual journey if done right.
Carry Out Sexual Training Sessions on Your Submissive
If your sub is sexually inexperienced, don’t look at this as though it’s a bad thing. This can be an excellent opportunity to include some sexual training sessions in your relationship. As a dom, focus on sex acts that you want your sub to perfect, so that they may serve you to the maximum.
“The easiest way to keep a woman over your shoulder is with a hand on her ass and the other between her legs.”– – Cherise Sinclair
When I was the dom in a sub-dom relationship, I adored having my ass eaten out by my sub boyfriend. However, he wasn’t that experienced in this. So I would include ass eating training in our sessions. In the end, he perfected it, and we both certainly enjoyed the learning curve.
Addressing The Dom Rules
Firstly, a slave must express their submission to you from the second they address you. If you’re the master in a dom-sub relationship you can be addressed by any title you wish. Usually, this is based on the title of the BDSM role you take in the relationship.
During my time as a dominatrix, I placed great importance on how a slave would address me. For new clients, I allowed to call me by my name during the time I first met them and consulted with them on how they would like the dominatrix relationship to proceed and progress.
My dominatrix title began as The Queen, in reference to a “gangbang queen” nickname I picked up whilst working as an escort. I later switched to the title of Goddess. Once the initial consultation was over, I would step into my dominatrix role and my slave would be ordered to address me by my proper title at all times.
Set Hygiene Rules for Submissives
As well as submission, pleasing of a dom in a relationship can come in many forms. One of them is high maintenance of hygiene. I would always make a rule for every submissive to keep themselves immaculately clean, groomed, and shaved or waxed at all times.
Setting of a strict regime to follow is yet another great aspect to add to the dynamic. By doing so, a submissive is demonstrating their devotion to their master. Simultaneously, they are improving the experience for the master and their own lives.
Issue Bedtime Rules for a sub to Follow
Remember, maintaining power over your sub is by no means restricted to sexual sessions. It can be maintained in a variety of ways in everyday life. My number of non-professional dom-sub relationships were low. But in all of them, I introduced rules for my submissives from the first to the last minutes of the day.
One of my favorite techniques was when I and my submissive boyfriend were going to bed each evening. Permission to enter the bed was set by me. Every night he was ordered to get on his knees and await the all-clear from me before he could enter. Some nights the permission never came, so it was a case of sleeping on the floor for him.
Make it Easy to Remember Rules For Submissives
BDSM can be overwhelming. If you only rely on word of mouth when setting rules for subs, it is not uncommon for them to forget one or two things especially in the heat of a moment during a BDSM session. So it’s very import to make said rules easy to remember.
My favourite method to drill the rules into a sub is creating a readable document of titles, rules, punishments, and importantly, limits and rewards. This document can be done on paper, phone, or email. Something that the sub can easily access and read to remind themselves.
Order Your Sub to Describe Themselves in the Third Person
For my subs who particularly loved the humiliation aspect of the dom-sub relationship. One of the rules I would set for them was to describe themselves in the third person at all times. For example, ”this pathetic guy/girl”, ”this disgusting whore” or ”this beta male cuckold”.
The reason behind setting a rule like this for submissives is to affirmatively put them in their place. It serves to make your sub feel less of a person and more of a sexual object. It’s a very effective BDSM rule and key to how to be a good sub.
Tie Them up All Night
Remember submissive rule 8 about setting permission for your sub to get into bed? Trust me, there is nothing more satisfying than granting permission and crushing their optimism with the revelation that they’re to be tied up all night. I would always do this with soft, comfortable bonds to allow my sub to sleep.
In the morning, I would often take advantage of my bound, sleepy sub with a strap on. Trust me, that wakes them up a lot quicker than a coffee! As this is sleep bondage it’s always key to allow your sub to be allowed to free themselves in the event of an emergency in the night.
Set Rules for Submissives to follow in Public
Many people in ”The Lifestyle” like to keep it private, which is understandable. However, there are some BDSM rules you can set for your sub that can be done in public. Rules that aren’t sexually explicit but still serve to bolster Dom sub relationships.
For example, before going out, order your sub to do a fashion parade wearing outfits that you have chosen. They must pick one or go naked. Additionally, I would often set rules for my submissives that they can’t speak in public without my permission, and nor could they look into my eyes when in public.
Setting rules such as these don’t around suspicion as they’re not sexually explicit. But they are a contradiction of what is seen as normal public behavior. When you’re sub obeys these rules, it is a sign of acceptance of the BDSM relationship, a sign of respect, and a representation of the balance of power.
Aftercare is a Rule!
If you have just some basic experience in the lifestyle, you’ve likely seen or heard about a session so intense that it shocked you. Whilst it’s glorious in the heat of the moment, decompression is key in Dom sub relationships. This where aftercare becomes an important rule. Check out this great video on BDSM aftercare routine and essentials by Evie Lupine.
After a dominatrix session with my sub-clients, I would always sit with them and share a tea or coffee to discuss the session. During this time, they could ask questions, make suggestions, or voice any concerns. When in a relationship, I made a long cuddle session after a BDSM session mandatory for both of us to come back to reality and decompress.
Set Clear Rules For Playing With Others
BDSM can be equally as pleasurable whether it’s between a couple, a group, or an open relationship. Where it all goes wrong is if the lines are blurred. So when it comes to playing with others, it’s important to set clear rules. For example, during my time as a Dom, I refused to allow my subs to see another Dom at the same time.
“When I’m finished, you’ll barely be able to stand me not being inside of you.”– Casey Quinn
Whilst there is nothing wrong with it in principle, I don’t like it. So it’s important to set the boundaries to avoid confusion, upset, and damaging good Dom sub relationships. Always be open and informed with each other. Honesty is key.
The Most Important of all Rules For Submissives
You might be the most formidable dom around. Without this rule, your BDSM relationship is headed for disaster. Rule number one: always allow your submissive to express concerns, thoughts, worries, and feelings. Always be ready to take them on board.
Whilst degrading your sub in the session is fine, they are still human and an equal part of the relationship. If you’re in a romantic relationship with your sub, always remind them of your love for them outside of the fetish. Because in the heat of the moment of a session, it’s sometimes easy to trigger insecurities.
Unless you are a mind reader, a true dominant should always encourage the sub to be open about sharing their feelings without fear. You should also vow to never make your submissive undergo a session when he or she might not be in the right frame of mind or mood for it.
If your submissive is introverted, using a journal is a great workaround. Order your sub to keep a journal of their thoughts and feelings of the Dom sub relationship. This is to be updated after every session. You can review this periodically and it’s a great tool for communication.
In conclusion, the set of rules for submissives in Dom sub relationships come in various forms. Whether it’s in public, during the height of a BDSM session, or during the aftercare, each is equally as important as each other to maintain a positive master-sub relationship. Neither of you should end up bad tempered like a hooked knitting craft!
I hope this article provides some useful information and inspiration. Whether you’re a newbie, a veteran, or thinking about dipping your toes in the lifestyle. Most importantly, have fun! For similar content, check out the Whoreuro magazine.