I’m a big fan of historical-themed movies and TV series. I especially love porn flicks with a historical setting, and you can read about some of my favorites here.
I recently saw a shot of a sex cam model using her stockings as a sheathe for an elongated sex toy, and I started doing the same.
Call me a nerd, but I felt like I was carrying a sword! Albeit, one that sheds squirt rather than blood!
It was fitting, then, when the sex toy company you likely all know, Funzze, gave me their latest anal toy to review.
From the handle and handguard to the long and formidable profile, it was the most sword-like sex toy I’d ever laid my hands on!
But aesthetics are one thing, and the pleasure-seeking abilities of a toy are another. So, I took it upon myself to carry out a sleazy review of Funzze’s latest butt bead creation using my asshole as a test subject!
Now, my ass has seen some serious action over the years, so any anal toys have a serious job ahead of them if they want to impress me.
Will these vibrating anal beads make the cut? Or will they be relegated to the bottom of my war chest of sex toys?
Keep reading to find out!
Table of Contents
Time to Unsheath my Anal Sword!
Oh, fuck yes! They’re black! I thought to myself when I unboxed Funzze’s vibrating anal beads from their well-packaged parcel, complete with a golden carry case.
Anal sex is delightfully sinful, so I always insist that all of my anal toys are the same color as sin! Holding this toy in my hand was already impressive. It felt like a weapon of war more than a tool of pleasure.
These vibrating anal beads feature a sleek grip at the bottom that fits well into the fold of the hand as well as a rounded handguard above. This was one sleek fucking toy and one I couldn’t wait to try out!
I began playing some fitting anal porn on TV (a Kelly Wells gangbang that saw her asshole abused by gigantic butt beads) and lubed up the toy for the ensuing sexual carnage.
To add to the debauchery, I stuck Funzze’s thrusting BBC dildo to the floor and rode it while experimenting with the brand’s latest butt plugs.
Now, as with most anal bead toys, these are slim, and I had no issue sliding them into my high-mileage asshole. But, holy shit, these things go deep!
As I reached the hilt of this anal sword, I felt the soft tip tickling my stomach. When I kicked off the various vibration patterns, I could feel it penetrating my vaginal wall and itching my G spot.
Each textured bead of this toy has a unique sexual sensation, and exploring it bead by bead is an immense anal adventure. I took a long time to slowly fuck myself with it piece by piece and experience everything it had to offer.
However, the thrusting dildo wrestling with my pussy was providing the perfect combination for a gushing orgasm, and I knew just how to make it extra intense!
At this point, the anal beads were fully immersed in my quivering asshole, and my hand was firmly gripping the sleek black handle.
Just as the orgasm was able to unleash and I felt the first beads of squirt dribbling from my pussy, I tore the beads from my lubed-up ass like a Beyblade and turned my body into a quivering mess of pure sexual pleasure.
I lay breathless on the floor with my butthole twitching and my pussy gurgling. In the background were the sounds of the two vibrating toys contrasted with the sounds of Kelly Wells being brutally gangbanged on screen.
Holy shit… It was intense!
What I Liked about The Toy
As I cleaned the mess of lube and ass juice from the toy, I took a second to admire it once again. As well as its sword-like design, there were a few other things I was starting to love about this toy!
Each Bead of the Toy is a Unique Experience
When most people think of anal beads, they think of the conventional style of multiple identical beads that don’t offer a unique sexual experience from bead to bead.
In contrast, each bead on this anal toy has a different texture and results in a unique sexual sensation as you make your way down to the handle. Oh, and speaking of handles!
The Toy’s Handle is Super Convenient
I’ve been through a lot of anal beads over the years. One of my biggest complaints is the lack of a dedicated grip on each toy, leaving you to hold it by the beads themselves, which isn’t ideal.
This vibrating anal toy from Funzze, on the other hand, has a dedicated handle at the bottom that not only makes it super simple to handle and hold the toy securely but it also looks like a cute black tail when the toy is fully immersed in your butt. Nice!
It’s Really Easy to Clean, But Not For The Reason You Think!
Anal toys always end up caked in lube as standard, so being easy to clean is a necessity. Although, it’s one that not all toys have. This anal toy from Funzze, however, does!
As well as an easy-to-clean exterior, the toy is equipped with a handguard that perfectly fits around your asshole and forms something of a seal that keeps any stray lube where it needs to be; in your butt!
Top Tips For Using These Vibrating Anal Beads
I’ve dedicated a solid chunk of time to this toy, and it’s become one of my go-to butt bead playthings. Naturally, I have a few tips to share on how to get the most out of using it!
Take Your Time and Explore
When you first get your naughty hands on this toy, it can be tempting to slide the entire thing in your ass up to the hilt, but take your time!
Each bead of this toy is a sexual experience meant to be enjoyed. So, be patient, take it easy, and experiment with everything this toy has to offer.
Let the Handguard Guide You!
As well as tackling any stray lube that may come out, the handguard also acts as a guide to ensure you have the beads inserted the correct way.
This isn’t so much an issue for girls, but it is for guys. Make sure the handguard is fitting snugly to your perineum to ensure it hits your G spot for maximum effect!
Final Verdict & The Best Place to Buy!
Overall, this is what modern butt beads look like! Gone are the days when anal beads were comprised of a set of identical beads.
These days, innovative manufacturers like Funzze are creating anal experiences that make your eyes roll in different directions which each bead that slides inside, and long may it continue!
Ok, you’ve no doubt heard enough and can feel your butt twitching at the thought of swallowing up this innovative sex toy. So, where the hell do you get your hands on one?
The best place to get one is via the official Funzze site, where you can often find the toys on offer if you time it right!