4 Gooning Sex Toys For Beginners: Papi Culo’s No-Bullsh*t Guide

Are you a fresh-faced newcomer to the world of Gooning? Goon-curious perhaps? Generally new to the Goontastic world of Pornosexuality and ready to sink your Goon Stick deeper into the depravity? 

Well, this guide to Gooning sex toys for beginners is the article for you!  

For all those Gooners with a penis, this is an introduction to a Gooner’s First Sex Toy. All of these toys are very discrete, easily available, and will take your goon sessions to the next level! 

Before you know it, you’ll be riding the most intense edge you’ve ever felt, entering a state of goon-bliss that you previously never thought possible with just your hand. 

Tenga Egg Masturbator

In my opinion, there is no better masturbator to begin your journey than the disposable Tenga Egg, and it’s perfect for Gooning on the move!

If you’re reading this article you must have heard of these by now, and I’m here to tell you that they will make your dick feel fantastic.

Drop everything you’re doing and stick your throbbing hard-on in one already! These eggs are the perfect combination of affordability and top quality.

For the price of a pint ($6), you could be pleasuring yourself with the finest quality Thermoplastic Elastomer (TPE).

They are meant to be disposed of after one use, so if you’re still nervous about Gooning with toys, you can toss the entire operation in the eggshell it came in as soon as you’ve finished Gooning.

How to Use a Tenga Egg Like a Proper Porn Fanatic:

Everything you need is in the self-contained egg (egg-shaped sleeve, lube, and instructions). Convenient, right? It is when you’re going cross-eyed in a Goon Craze!

The egg sleeve will rest over the head of your member, and you can twist and stimulate the egg around the top of your dick to slowly stimulate the tip and extremely sensitive frenulum.

Teasing yourself this way will help lengthen your Goon session until you’re really ready to begin pumping. at that point, you can pull the egg down the length of your entire dick!

Your hand pussy just became a wonderfully soft and wet eggussy; you can stroke the full length of your cock along all the wonderful textures inside the egg.

No matter the size of your member, the egg will be able to pleasure it. Before you know it, you’ll be in a state of pure Gooning ecstasy.

Suggested Brands

There’s only one Tenga – There may be similar products in your local sex shop, but hold out for the Tenga!

There are multiple varieties of eggs available, all of which have their own unique pattern inside to stimulate your raging fuck meat.

I suggest buying a 6-pack of different textures off the bat – try them all out, I know that once you try one flavor you won’t be able to rest until you’ve had them all!

There’s even a line of “Hard Boiled” eggs made of a tougher material to stand up to marathon Gooners who love to pump themselves silly to Porn in prolonged smut marathons!

Silicone Cock Rings

Cock rings work by restricting the flow of blood out of your member – so once blood rushes into your raging hardon, you’ll have no trouble staying hard.

You’ll also get harder and last longer with the right configurations, a cock ring (or a set!) will seriously add to your stamina during a Goon sesh, allowing you to worship Porn Goddesses like a true devotee!

If you don’t know exactly what size all your naughty bits of fuck meat are, I highly recommend a set of stretchy silicone cock rings.

These will fit over a variety of anatomy in a number of ways and stretch around your girth for easy dressing and removal.

How to Properly Use a Cock Ring

Based on the size(s) of the cock ring that you get and the size of your pecker, determine where the rings can go. Some good placements include:

  • On the base of your shaft
  • Around your testicles
  • Around both your shaft and testicles
  • Near the head of your penis

Apply lube to the inside of the cock ring to help it slide on and off. Stretch the cock ring around your bits and slide your fingers out so the pressure is on your flesh.

You should put the ring on before you’re fully erect for comfort and ease of use. Now, get to stroking!
If using a condom and a partner, put on your cock ring BEFORE putting on the condom.

Ideally, these materials should not be in contact as excessive friction could get uncomfortable. Play safely, and note that any erection lasting over 4 hours is something you should see your doctor about immediately!

Suggested Cock Ring Brands to Check Out

I love the 5-piece set of cock rings from BoneYard Toys. The different sizes are almost guaranteed to fit anyone!

All the different pieces can be “stacked” to enhance the overall experience – make a DIY “cage” for your ballsack using 2 rings

As a beginner, you should avoid metal cock rings – those are substantially harder to take off unless you don’t mind a whirring saw near your boner.

Other signs of mis-wearing to pay attention to are tingling, coldness, or any of your bits turning blue. This indicates that too much blood is being cut off, and circulation is being affected.

Butt Plugs For Beginners!

Obsessed with anal porn and wonder what it’s like to be stuffed up yourself? Hell, it’s only natural! You’re a Gooner, for fuck’s sake! This also means that you should most definitely try out buttplugs!

Not only do you feel the pressure of being stuffed and the stimulation of all the nerve endings in your rectum, but you’re one step closer to becoming the anal-loving slut that you see on screen, getting your asshole stretched and filled up.

That said, porn sluts are professional whores with pro assholes, and a little newbie Gooner might not be ready for the monstrous pieces of slick fuck meat that our Porn Goddesses can handle so easily.

So, the recommendations for butt plugs here are for those whose assholes still need a bit of training. For first-timers, I would suggest a butt plug with the following features:

  • Silicone! More forgiving with the body, easy to clean, and not as “tough” on the inside as metal could be
  • Flared end! The circular and heart-shaped anal jewelry used in porn is magnificent, but the flared ends will be most comfortable for anal newbies – and will prevent the buttplug from sliding into an overly loose butthole
  • Start small! Your asshole is stretchy, but it can still tear. Start small and work your way up as you continue to train your ass.
  • “Torpedo” shaped! This relatively narrow shape will be easier for a beginner booty to handle, and the signature pop when you take the full girth will make you pull an involuntary Ahegao face!

How to Use a Butt Plug for the First Time

Always ensure you clean your fuck hole beforehand thoroughly, ideally with a douche. But do keep a towel handy, and be sure you’ve got soap on standby at your sink in case things still get messy!

Bend over at the hips and slightly bend your knees so your ass is sticking out and your cheeks are spread

Apply lubrication liberally to your bunghole as well as the plug. Lube is your friend, and it’s better to overdo it than underdo it.

Slowly – slowly! – penetrate your own asshole with the buttplug. Add more lube along the way if your asshole is thirsty and drinks up lube.

Your body may resist at first, but you need to relax your bussy and allow the plug to slide in. Put some Porn on, take your time, relax, and enjoy the journey.

The feeling can be intense – almost like taking a shit in reverse – but once the thickest girth is through your sphincter, you’ll feel immense pleasure fill you up.

Suggested Brands of Butt Plugs to Try Out

The beginner snug plug set is the ideal anal training set of buttplugs!

The shape of the plug itself will ensure easy insertion and that it will remain in place. The weighted end will punch above its weight as you feel the plug filling you up.

As you get more used to anal training, you can size up with bigger and bigger toys. You’ll be amazed at how much your ass can take!

And Last But Not Least is Your Goon Grease, AKA Lube!

For both the cock rings and butt plug – as well as your own pleasure – your Goon Stick and all your toys should utilize lube to the fullest extent.

One mistake many Gooners make is not investing in enough lubrication – you don’t want to feel any unexpected friction or pain that could ruin your Gooning; it’s the worst way to ruin an orgasm.

Adding lube will help blur the lines between your body, your toys, and your pornosexuality. Be just like the goddesses you see on screen, holes slippery with oil and leaking pure Goon goodness!

My Favorite Types of Gooning Oil!

  • Tenga’s own egg lotion packaged with the eggs is some of the finest lotion available! And at only $6, affordable too.
  • Sliquid is a higher-end product that is ideal if you’ll also be playing with a partner.
  • Shibari is a great entry-level lubrication that is available on sites such as Amazon.

Now You’ve Been Guided Through The Gooning Sex Toys For Beginners, It’s Time to Get Started!

As a budding Porn fanatic reading this guide to Gooning sex toys for beginners, you’ve no doubt already started to experience the wonder and joy that is Pornosexuality.

Porn destroys your brain

Like any hobby – or lifestyle – there is equipment available that will improve your performance. If you were training to run a marathon, you might invest in some new shoes, right?

The Gooning toys in this article are just the first step on a long and depraved journey into Porn-derived pleasure, and it’s one that will be a mind-blowing experience as you progress ever deeper.

The first time you Goon with a toy will be a massive leap forward in your Pornosexuality, and it will be hard to go back to a dry jerk session with just your hand.

Once you start combining your stroker, cock rings, and buttplug, you’ll realize that you’re at the tippy top of a massive iceberg of perversion, one which you can follow via the Whoreuro Gooning Test!

As you sink deeper and deeper you can explore the world of reusable strokers, vibrating buttplugs, lifelike sex dolls, interactive masturbators synced to Porn, and even combination cockring-buttplugs.

Happy Gooning, you wankers!

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